20080504

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It all made sense to me, but I lost it somewhere.

I don’t remember when… in the memories

Too many details, smeared.

Then, I was headed in the right direction; I knew what I was fighting for.

Now, I don’t remember.

I lost myself.

The world is so confusing sometimes. I figured the whole thing out several times, but it’s slippery, you know? The meaning of life… It’s so sensitive, like being in the zone. Once you have it, the smallest thing can knock it away, and you don’t know how to get back. You get lost in the spider webs. Now I’m out here in the middle of the ocean, not knowing where the hell I am going and feeling like no one can or even wants to help. I’m feeling alone. I am letting myself beat my ideals. And I don’t know why. It’s not the stress. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what to do about anything. So I am doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting myself. And I feel like anything that I do to try to progress here is amounting to nothing. I have dreams and ideas that I want to fulfill. But I feel like I am spinning my tires in the mud here. The harder I try, the more I waste myself.

I don’t know why I am so sad lately. This experience is difficult. I miss everyone back home, and I feel like I am removed from any stable foundation where I can perform at a fully functional level. I have lost my motivation, and while all I want is to regain it, I fail to find the source. I know what I have always told myself: my family, my wife, kids, other people, making the world a better place. I have ideals, like most people. The stress and tribulation of what happens in life can really take a shit on ideals, but when things were difficult for me and I felt like I had to carry the weight of the world, I performed at a very efficient level. I don’t know if it is just that I am not being challenged enough. It can’t be. I can challenge myself more than most people have ever been able to. I could challenge myself, and that isn’t what’s at the source of motivation. Maybe it’s necessity. Right now, all I can think about needing is to get back to my family. The people around here are constantly pissing me off. I am annoyed with their lack of ability or desire to improve anything, or get work done. I just feel like the mindset I set out with has degraded to the point of apathy. I see my inability to influence them in a positive way as a failure in myself. And I’ve been giving up on them, and myself. And that is everything that I am against. I feel like I am becoming one of those poor suffering souls, feeling sorry for themselves. So right now, I am against myself. And it feels like a downward spiral.

I’m battling for my soul… again.

I can’t be sorry for myself. I can’t wait around for that. I need to rekindle that sense of urgency and need. I recognize that the world needs people to do more than they believe that they can do, and do it to improve the world. Otherwise, it will only get worse. I could just let myself go on, waiting until I feel fit enough to give it another try. But that’s just a plan to fail. There’s no trying for me. I have to be clear, sharp, quick, sure and solid. I have to strike to the heart of the matter. I just have to do it, and it has to be perfect. Failure, for me, is to die without breaking through to the next level, or at least generating a spark for the ignition.

I’m not afraid to be who I am, or express myself to the fullest. I am not afraid to admit what I stand for. I just need to stand for it without fail. I have done it many times, but it has been highly circumstantial. Forget the convenience. I need to stand for what I stand for more powerfully, without regard for convenience or undesirable circumstance, and do it without wavering in the least.

I have been through more trying matters than this, and though my vision has become clouded, I know that if I press on, it will all become clear again. Nothing can stop me from doing what I came to do, and being who I came to be in the world. I can’t speak this and falter. I speak truth into the future. And it is. I refuse to fail. I refuse for what I say to be false.

I will transcend my weaknesses, and humanity will do the same. But for now, we’re both struggling.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I have been pretty lazy today. I slept in until 11am, woke up and ate, and made some CDs to send home for Liz. I have been doing a lot lately though. I feel good. I am getting back into the swing of making things happen. And I am assuring myself once again that, despite circumstance and despite others, I will succeed in my endeavors. I think maybe now I am just a little more considerate of the opinions and effective actions of others, and a little more careful with my influence over that.

I need to get my STA21 package updated and completed. I haven’t seen it for a while. I was sure that I had turned it in. I have all the originals, but the copies, including my application cover letter, are nowhere to be found. I need to find that stuff today and submit another copy of the package tomorrow. I am fearful that those who are being entrusted with organizing the rest of this process are not doing what is necessary to ensure that the package is completed on time. I’ll continue to pressure them to ensure that this happens, but I have already resolved that if, for whatever reason, I am not accepted this cycle, I will continue to submit packages for the following cycles, as well as to pursue the degree on my own. I believe that I will reenlist for shore duty, but I don’t think I would be willing to extend on board this ship. This ship, despite my efforts to improve it, seems to extremely ill equipped, unfriendly and unaccommodating of the crew, and overall of low morale. I will continue to do what I am capable of doing to positively affect this ship until I leave, however, at this time, I would go somewhere else if possible. Another factor that would absolutely affect my decision for reenlistment would be whether or not I would go on another deployment. I believe this ship is scheduled to deploy again in July of 2009, and I would not like to be a part of that, especially if conditions are as unsatisfactory as they are currently. I have talked to Liz about it briefly; however, we will have to find a solution in the near future. I really love being able to communicate with her so well now, and having her involved in my life more, especially in projects decision making processes. I would like to see it acted on even more so, but I am sure that we will grow into it even more in the future. It’s not that I am impatient (even though Liz says that I am); it’s just that I see great potentials and possibilities, and I seek to expedite their progress. Well, I guess that is impatience; I do get annoyed or frustrated when things don’t happen as quickly as I would like. But I can control that as exemplified above. I realize that some evolutions require careful steps, time for development, and/or some amount of patience. But I fully believe that we all could improve and accelerate our progress by removing unnecessary pieces or and contributing necessary pieces. I also recognize that trying to contribute or push more than necessary can have a negative impact, and have been considering that perhaps I should strive to find that balance, rather than over-push for expediency.

Anyhow, I am more than happy to see Liz doing so well, being so responsible, and taking care of herself and the children. I don’t think many people in the world could handle so much so well, and it makes me proud to be her counterpart. I used to view her as somewhat like an adolescent, much like I do with many of the seamen here at work. It’s not that I believe they need direction, instruction, mentoring, or discipline (self imposed or otherwise), but I do believe that they could benefit from each. However many people are not open to such methods, especially when viewed as a fix, or imposed as a method to correct a deficiency. It is difficult operating at, and holding myself to such a high level of discipline, organization, and ambition, while letting others slip by without accountability for their actions or way of being. I believe it was even harder on Liz, having to deal with that from me on a regular basis, however, I filly believe as well that she has developed a great amount of personal integrity, and is a much stronger and more efficient person out of it, with no end in sight. I only hope that she does not resent me for it, and knows that I have abandoned my resentments about her. I love her totally and completely, and, for me, that love is more that a simple caring or affectionate feeling. For me that love is an absolute dedication to fully nurturing, supporting, and encouraging her health, growth, self-actualization, self-expression, and the complete fulfillment of all her aspirations. It took me some time to get here and, shamefully for me, I feel that there are not many, if any, others about which I will feel the same. The only others that come close are my children, and to a lesser extent, the other members of my family. I have pondered many times before whether or not it is possible to have that same level of commitment to everyone in the world. I can see where, in many cases, this would present a conflict of interests. But aside from that, I believe it is possible once a one’s hierarchy of needs is fulfilled. Nevertheless, I am happy with where Liz and I are at now, and I believe she feels the same way. It seems to me that she has been somewhat aloof or reserved about communicating with me about it, but from what she has expressed she is better about or relationship than ever before. I do wish she would open up to me more about it, but I refuse to complain about it. I see that she is doing so more now than ever, and I appreciate that. All I can do is give her what she needs and continue to encourage her to share with and contribute to me with no reservations about fully expressing herself. That is my true goal for our relationship.