20100109

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I read history as it is written, from right to left. But, that is not to say that it is logically impossible for this to alter. It’s imaginable that an oppressive group could seize power over the whole of humanity, for a virtually eternal amount of time, arresting or reversing the liberalization of humanity. And, as power concentrates, and those with it tend to accumulate more and relinquish none, it is documented in history that liberalizing forces, from time to time, arrest, break down and reverse this accumulation when it becomes unfit. The overall trend of forward motion, however, is one that moves from chaos to order, and oppression to freedom simultaneously, despite the fact that these dichotomies are not always aligned. So, this cycle moves humanity, throughout the history of western civilization, as aforementioned, from right to left, with the whole of humanity being afforded greater and more equal freedom, due in large part to the progress of humanist morality, or rather, human morality. And, it also moves from chaos to order, simplicity to elegance, due in large part to the power exercised by individuals or organizations.

§

James Cameron’s, Avatar, was not simply a social commentary on the U.S. use of military force to secure energy resources without regard to established culture or human life, but clearly on planetary ecology as well. I have long sympathized with this message of a need for human integration into nature, and efficient symbiosis, rather than domination and exploitation. This was absolutely clear to me even as a teenager. And, I sense that the zeitgeist is shifting from one of individualism, selfishness, and domination—which perhaps saw its peak in the late 90’s—to one of integration, cooperation, and compassion. However this global organism moves, if it moves by the influence human nature, it will move in the direction that favors the most humans the most, for the longest amount of time. In our sociological development, we’ve become better planners, able to consider long term plans and consequences, further into the future, as our supplementation of memory and thought increases with technology. This, combined with the unifying forces of communication and social networking technology, has allowed us to awaken to those practices which have been contrary to our efficiency, as well as to our humanity. And, despite the decreasing numbers of people who deny or resist this progress, it will continue as long as there are humanists among us.

§

The displacement of human labor, of jobs, by technology is not a new phenomenon, the quintessential example being the Luddites and the mechanized loom. Today we hear often about the rapid, perhaps even exponential improvement and development of technology, which translates in some areas, to the rapid, perhaps exponential replacement of human jobs by machines. All the while, the population of the world continues to increase, as our medical knowledge and ability, as well as our ability in agriculture improves due to technology also. The fact that we presently have the ability to meet the kilocalorie per day requirements for all humans alive is another issue. But, more and more people continue to become unemployed due to job replacing technologies, and this trend shows no sign of reversing. Where are these jobs going? Either they go to unskilled labor, the service sector, or the unemployment line, diminishing the middle class. This leads many people to denounce technology, as did the Luddites. But, technology is not the enemy of our collective happiness or our progress; it rather lends itself to these. Unless something alters, this trend will lead to a critical mass of sorts, where the numerous unemployed people of diminishing social and economic class will be forced to take action, or die. Could this possibly lead to something like Marx’s proletariat revolution?

§

Maybe there are some things over which we should exercise our influence, and others that we should let run their course, free from manipulation.

20090806

Thursday, August 06, 2009

It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened, and so many plans have fizzled out or been forgotten. I don’t even know why I am writing. Will anyone ever read this? I used to envision people reading my journals and analyzing my thoughts long after my death, but I suppose that’s my arrogance kicking in. I used to tell myself it was only confidence, that I would make a difference in the world and everyone would know and remember me, and see me as a genius. I am not the overconfident person I used to be. But, I do feel like I performed much more efficiently and effectively at whatever it was I was doing in that mode. I don’t know if I will go back to that or not. I do know that I don’t like where I have navigated in life, or who I am, currently. I know I have to initiate some radical changes, and transcend the lifestyle of mundane degeneration I have adopted for myself lately. I never thought I was like most people, content to sit and watch the latest sitcom, repeating some insipid job that would be better performed by a robot, feeding into the money-making machine, where some unscrupulous asshole collects surplus capital produced by my labor, while I struggle to pay bills and feed my kids. I always knew I wasn’t into that, and growing up, I rebelled against it in some pretty unintelligent ways; I fucked around a lot and didn’t really get anywhere, but I did dream big. Eventually, when I joined the US Navy, I started to really pursue a few of those big dreams, putting foundations and support structures under those castles in the sky. But, I have always felt utterly alone in those endeavors. I longed for cooperation, relation, and understanding. I have yet to really experience that. And, I believe that, by making some pivotal choices and directing my life as I have, I’ve ruined my chances of completing those structures, unless I make some changes, now.

I have not been going home much lately. My vehicle broke down and I don’t really enjoy taking the trolley home, or riding my bike to work anymore. I did it for about six months, on and off, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t really want to do much. I am tired of struggling and not really making much noticeable progress, and encountering increasing resistance every step of the way. People’s advice, though usually well intended, doesn’t contribute in the least to any solid step I could make toward recovery from the catastrophe that is my life lately. I fear, as with every other time conditions have gotten rough, that I am going to have to fix it, improve it, and move on alone, with little or no cooperation, and over-stress myself until I break down again. Is that the way life goes? It should not be like this. The only feeling I have about that sort of execution of human life, is deep despair.

I have done my utmost to be a positive, constructive, creative, contribution to society—one that improves circumstances, not only for myself, but for others, for society itself; I even dedicated years of my life in an attempt to facilitate the improvement of two human beings in dire condition—but I have nearly destroyed my ability to succeed and flourish in the process. I have definitely destroyed my motivation to go on in pursuit of my dreams. And, I feel like my sacrifice was worthless and stupid. I feel that I made a terrible choice, and that I would have and could have better served the world, and myself, by avoiding my compassion completely. But, that’s also what I feel is the greatest hindrance to humanism, and the furthering of human ethics. People don’t give a shit about each-other, and when they do, they get taken advantage of, and suffer for it. It reminds me of that e.e. cummings poem about humanity. I love people, but I hate them for being so stupid. And, I guess that goes for me as well.

I am sorry for not giving my kids a better life. I really wish I could have provided more for them. I didn’t do my best until it was too late, and then, while I was doing more than superman himself could have done, over-achieving and pushing hard to make more money, to learn, and to do well, my efforts were continuously degraded by fucked up people, and a fucked up system that doesn’t give a shit about anyone.

The thing I like about free-market libertarianism, Ayn Rand, and conservative political philosophy of people in the US is that it invokes a sense of personal capability, initiative, responsibility, and worth. But, I don’t agree that altruism or egalitarianism is a hindrance to social progress, or even personal progress. The fact that some people are paying $500 for face creams, or pumping hundreds of dollars a month of gas—lining the pockets of people who openly hate America, and the Americans who are in bed with them—into their unnecessarily oversized SUVs, polluting the air their children will be breathing after they’ve killed themselves by smoking cigarettes, while other people are literally eating trash out of dumpsters, makes me angry. And that’s what over-adherence to that philosophy has produced. Of course, it also produced a lot of wealth for our society, but, apparently, if my ship is throwing thousands of pounds of food in the garbage and pumping into the ocean on a weekly basis, not to mention spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on gas on a weekly basis, we are not being very responsible or intelligent about using that wealth. Better yet, if we are using that wealth to trick people into thinking that some ridiculous herbs will make them live longer and lose weight without exercise, or that because some celebrity said they used a brand of makeup, it will somehow make them more nearly attractive or personable as that celebrity, only to dupe them out of giving up their money, then we are not being responsible with our wealth. Usury is ubiquitous, customary even, in American society. We pride ourselves on kicking people’s asses, legally robbing them, and putting the less deserving in their place—underneath. So we’ve essentially reduced ourselves to a bunch of crabs in one giant bucket. Who cares if you get out? Your brethren are still struggling, and dying in there, and you might have stepped on them or pulled them down in the process. Unfortunate circumstances befall people, the future is not clear, and people make bad decisions that lead to hardship. There’s no reason to leave them to die of disease or starvation in the street, or struggle seeking remedy for their pain alone.

It’s more than halfway through 2009 now, and I have great hope for the future. I just have lost a lot of the hope for my own. I would have liked to be born about fifty years from now, or maybe further, depending on how much we’ve progressed. It seems that visionaries and optimistic artists are always overestimating how fast we’ll progress as a species. Humans are cursed with an animal nature that they have symbolized in demons, devils, and evil spirits. I don’t believe in any of those symbols actually existing, only that they are anthropomorphized icons of that instinct in human nature which drives people to dominate one another. We can wash our hands of this, and that is my hope for the future.

"The real advantages that should result from this progress, of which we can entertain a hope that is almost a certainty, can have no other term than that of the absolute perfection of the human race; since, as the various kinds of equality come to work in its favor by producing ampler sources of supply, more extensive education, more complete liberty, so equality will be more real and will embrace everything which is really of importance for the happiness of human beings ....

The time will therefore come when the sun will shine only on free men who know no other master but their reason; when tyrants and slaves, priests and their stupid or hypocritical instruments will exist only in works of history and on the stage; and when we shall think of them only to pity their victims and their dupes; to maintain ourselves in a state of vigilance by thinking on their excesses; and to learn how to recognize and so to destroy, by force of reason, the first seeds of tyranny and superstition, should they ever dare to reappear among us."

-Marquis de Condorcet (1744-1794)

Some people might say this is only a lofty dream. I can’t think of a more noble purpose to which to dedicate one’s life.

As is demonstrated by my life thus far, we can strive to force-feed our vision and values to other people, even if we think that’s what’s best for them, but they’ll resist it. They have to find their own way. And if they are unwilling to relinquish their usurious, parasitic behavior, they can never be absolved as humans. I have stupidly spent years of my life in the pursuit of the impossible, as noble a cause as it were. And, I know that my wife and children have benefited from the fruits of my labor, but has it been worth the cost? Has the cost been necessary? Has the suffering been necessary?

I don’t think so. And I don’t blame only myself, or them, but everyone. The human world is juvenile, continuously infantilized by our damnable instincts and stubborn resistance to or rejection of cooperation and foresight.

I can’t bear to live any longer with these lazy, stupid people I love, and that love me as well, while we punish each other with our desires, demands, and judgments.

I tried.

I don't want to give up.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

After some depression in activity, thought, and sense of purpose, I’m ready to charge again. I’ve been carrying along in my endeavors sluggishly, and have been pretty well downtrodden lately; I’m tired of the feeling. So I’ve re-imagined my purpose and my motivation and I’ve resolved to be proactive despite the deep emotional costs associated with the isolation, indifference, rejection, combativeness, disapproval, resistance, and otherwise burdening hindrances and dissociation of relatedness with others. I know that in allowing myself to be defeated, I am allowing the vision, principles, purpose, and possibilities for which I work to create and progress, and to establish and maintain, to be defeated in some way as well, by that same indifference and rejection, and, “it’s not worth it” mentality. Instead, I promote that mentality. And that is something with which I have never intended to sympathize.

I’ve made quite a bit of progress in school, but now that my tuition assistance is used up, I think I will concentrate on strengthening family and personal relationships for a while. I’ll still be reading and studying, and taking some CLEP and DANTES exams for college credit. I just finished a philosophy class, which I thoroughly enjoyed, despite the demands and deadlines which were difficult to meet due to obligations at work, and my own recent depression. I have one more class about physical training.

I’ve been really starting to rethink going into sports medicine. While it could prove to be lucrative (or could prove to not be), I don’t believe that I would be best fulfilled in my capacities by treating injuries and helping people to recover from them, even if some of my work would be in research or in exercise and training instruction. I have become very interested in the fields of evolutionary and molecular biology and genetics, as well as neurology and psychology. I wonder how many strings I might be able to tie together there, but seeing as how medicine (and all science, really) is highly specialized, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to attempt to connect those dots. Philosophy is to be a pervasive part of my life as well. I see it as an extension of science, in a way. Philosophy acts as the antennae of science, always feeling for new possible paths, determining hypotheses and pointing the direction. Science then determines the validity then by going in that direction, and practically testing it. They rely on and give feedback to each-other in that sense, like the relationship of intuition and reason. They are highly complementary, and perhaps absurd without one another, even though many people consider them to be conflicting or wholly and independently distinct.

In my philosophy class, my professor expressed some sentiment about me being a teacher’s assistant. Even though this online school does not allow this, I was excited at the idea of being able to work with and gain extra knowledge from a knowledgeable philosopher. I told him that I’d like to help do research projects or papers, or assist in whatever way possible, unofficially, but I haven’t received a response yet. I will check on that tomorrow as well.

The next thing I want to accomplish with my family is a collective mission statement. I know I have been difficult for them to deal with lately, and I will need to talk to them all about this before we can move forward with anything. I think that we have made a lot of progress lately, especially Liz with her increasing awareness and handling of her financial responsibility. But, I want to be involved in more activities with the Kids. I’ve scheduled some times for us to go out, both on family events and with just me and one of them at a time. Without school being so demanding of my time, I will be better able to do all that.

Another thing that helps me is to write, and doing it more often helps keep me focused and grounded in my purpose. I’ve been neglecting to write in my blogs or journals, or anything otherwise introspective other than papers for school. I started listen to another book, The New Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz M.D. It has sparked my interest in personal development and psychology again.

I get angry when I look back and see how I’ve allowed my analysis of other people and their treatment of me, and my emotions surrounding that, to depress my drive and sense of myself—to affect my self-image. I don’t know if there is a more appropriate, or more effective response that to channel that energy into productivity. I want to think of myself as I did before this great decline in self-confidence and determination, but still take some morsel of maturity out of it. Before, I was unstoppable—and then I stopped being that. So I have to stop letting things stop me again, but first, I have to know myself to be every bit, if not more, powerful and unstoppable as I was before I gave up. I have told myself that these leaders here, the people in authority positions above me, are unreliable, lacking integrity, and destructive. Even if it is so, and in most cases I very much believe it is, I cannot allow it to destroy me, even if that is its one and only purpose. I have to know, like I have always known, that I am stronger, more intelligent, more capable, more motivated, more right, and most importantly, more determined than they can ever be, in their defeated states of angst, and in their parasitic behaviors, and anxious quests for recognition and value. If they would take my value from me, and I would show them that their way is the wrong way, there is no way for me to do it by refusing to produce. Then I become worthless to them and to myself. This is no solution. If I could destroy their blood sucking minds, relinquish them of their power, reveal and alter or amputate their behavior, or otherwise eliminate their threat and the burden they place on me, I would. But until I can gain position to do that, I can only press on while they benefit from me.

Should it really be a part of my mission to destroy or defeat them?

Or should I only want to create what I can, and contribute as much as I can, rather than wasting my time with lesser humans?

Or… should I undertake it to help them?

20100101

Friday, January 01, 2010

2010 is the year it all turns around. The past two years were a rumination process, really. I went through some difficult trials but it all radically altered my perspective. I’ve been doing some reflection on it all lately. Before, despite my success, I was sympathetic to an egomaniacal, individualistic outlook. I was vying for a right-wing libertarian lifestyle, out-of-hand rejecting any collectivist notions that I suspected of harboring or defending a lifestyle of dependency. Much of my life relates directly to my relationship with Liz. My humanity took her, and while, at the time, I believed that my example of independent strength and will, along with my financial support, was more than enough to enable her to be independent and strong as well. But, I overlooked or underestimated the psychological underpinnings of her tendency towards dependency. And, I can compare this on a global scale, to my attitudes, and popular attitudes about the lower classes, the homeless, the mentally ill, the disabled, many of the elderly, or the socially and economically disadvantaged in general. And, my change of heart was much to the benefit of personal relationships.

Although, during this period I did turn-off my self-confidence and turn-down my spirited mission for personal progress and to make a contribution to social progress, but this was, however subconsciously, induced because my overconfidence and self-importance was not in agreement with the character of my self-proclaimed purpose: Kaizen, betterment of self, inspiration of others, influencing social improvement. The ripples can make waves, and I have long known that my influence does fashion the course of history, and influence the whole of it—potentially influencing great shifts in direction. However, as I looked to this idea as a source of inspiration, I resorted to a form of solipsism, exalting myself above the majority of humanity and becoming unsympathetic to their barriers to self-actualization. When I was studying Buddhism, I read that when the bodhisattvas reach Nirvana, they then return to the suffering world to enlighten others, bringing them to Nirvana, with a goal of bringing all beings to this state. During the time of my life when I was coming into my own independence and exercising my abilities to the fullest, I felt like a Bodhisattva who had reached Nirvana, gotten a taste of the power of full self-expression, but while reveling in the power it afforded me, I had forgotten about everyone else. Well, that’s not enlightenment. It makes sense that the bodhisattvas have to come back, because leaving the world behind, or dominating it, isn’t enlightenment—it isn’t productive or positively powerful. It’s much easier to get one’s self to the point where they are fully self-expressed and engaged in self-actualization, than it is to get someone else there. And that is, in my case, as I suspect is similar to all humans, because of my tendency to overlook or be unsympathetic to any foreign psychological condition, obstructing any possibility for relation. And, relationship is integral to mutual inquiry, connection, and experience.

So, the last couple paragraphs, on this page, literally, and in my life, metaphorically, have been a development of how independence and personal power, when worshipped as the highest of all virtues, are not conducive to social excellence. This might seem straightforward and easy to understand for a child: Selfishness simply favors the self over all else, including family members, future generations, and humanity itself. It’s short sighted, because the current span of a human life is little more than a century, at best.

There is something to be said about the positive ideas I retained from that time period, which was from about 2005 to 2008. I learned how to be myself, to trust myself, and to know that I was capable of accomplishing much more than I ever seriously imagined myself to be able to do. Sure, I had heard it from my parents and teachers and people who loved me, but this was the time period where I really tested it out, and found that it was certainly true: I was powerful. And, I doubt if anything worthwhile—as far as goal-reaching and self-actualization goes—could be accomplished without an embrace of self-confidence a healthy development of one’s ego (“one’s ego” is redundant), because, without being aware of my own ability, it would surely be difficult for me to use it. So, contrary to Zen, total annihilation of the ego is not conducive to social progress, at least at this point in our technological development. I use “ego” in the sense of self-opinion or consciousness of one’s own personality, rather than the pejorative meaning—selfishness. To be self-expressed and self-actualized, a person needs to be aware of their self. But, the lesson I have learned here is this: I live for others just as much as I live for myself. If I become unbalanced or out of agreement with my core in my conscious approach to goal-fulfillment or goal-selection, I will return to balance, perhaps against the will of my ego.

Perhaps the ego is more a tool of the base of self, which is not fully expressed in conscious thought, than I previously considered it to be. Maybe the subconscious mind is not a tool to be used by the conscious, but the consciousness wielded by direction of a deeper, fuller, more stable, and interconnected purpose lying in the subconscious.

I have some more thoughts on how religion ties into all of this as well, and some plans I have for the future, concerning religion, writing, personal relationships, and business. But, I will write more about these later.

20080430

Never stop pushing for progress.

Humanity in this world, as advanced as it may seem, has quite some way to go in its development.

There are those who are not consciously aware that their actions are detrimental to humanity. It is our responsibility, those of us who are enlightened enough to recognize this, to educate and inspire these people to contribute beyond themselves.

There is suffering, and it is our duty to alleviate it, if we are able. There is starvation, and it is our duty to provide food, if we are able. There is malevolence, and it is our duty to counteract it, if we are able. There is ignorance, and it is our duty to teach, if we are able. There is disease, and it is our duty to cure it, if we are able.

We will find a way, if we press on.

But to sit idly by and contribute nothing, to refuse to strive, is to be no better than the malevolent, the torturous, and the disruptors of our harmony. There are those who, anonymously, in darkness, endeavor to see humanity die. And even more numerous are those who harm humanity and hinder our progress through their selfish and foolish actions. And if we do nothing, these forces will overcome. Everyone is guilty of the contribution they didn’t make. Everyone is at fault for the time and opportunities they had to contribute to the world which they wasted. Everyone is guilty of the good they didn’t do.

Life is best spent in contribution to others. Without that connection, one is consumed by their self-serving nature, like a dark star, stealing the light of others, and stealing the light of the world.

Go beyond the lonely planet of the self, venture out, and light up the worlds of others.

There is darkness. And it is our duty to dispel it, if we are able.