20090319

March 19, 2009

You seriously could make a stronger case for the force (i.e. panthiesm) than YAHWEH. But then again, if you believe the world was created around 6,000 years ago, or that sprinkling some water on a baby while a guy says some magic words will somehow change the outcome of that baby's life (or death), you might just be willing to believe anything... like that a man once turned a wooden staff into a snake or parted the oceans. I don't see anyone being able to reasonably explain how any of that works.

I look at these people as kids pretending to do what grown-ups do. But when people with infantile mentalities start writing laws, instituting programs and policies, organizing, and getting into positions of authority of people who are more mentally mature, it causes a lot of problems and frustration. Anyone who has been in the military know that. How many backwards, mentally challenged authoritarians have you come across, or worse, had to work for? How should we react to that? And how can we reduce that?

How great would it be if a majority of the world was reasonable in its beliefs and respectful in its relationships with people? Isn't that worth working towards?

I keep talking to people at work about two main things:

1 - Leadership. Whether or not other people's feelings and happiness are a concern of yours, people are generally more likely to do what you want them to do if you encourage and enrich the growth of their intrinsic motivation, rather than try to force them by your sheer domination/authority/power. Leadership doesn't consist of getting things done that your bosses want you to get done, but rather it consists of inspiring people to want to do a good job for their own benefit in life, simply by pointing a good direction, or leading them to consider that they have the power, and the motivation to fulfill their purpose in life, even if they have to start by being the best damn sweeper even known.

and

2 - Improvement. Do something. Anything. Just one thing. Give a shit; care about something. Apply your abilities and intellect to some goal or purpose. Don't waste yourself and your life. I guess a lot of people feel like they can't grow or improve under certian conditions (that they feel are hostile). I have felt the same way... a lot. But, the stars never seem to align. And I feel like people are generally waiting for circumstance to become favorable enough for them to start doing what they really want to do in life. Doesn't buying into religion seem to be going down that path to "giving up?" Like, things are so terrible in the world, we should just let God deal with it... defer our abilities and see what happens, cuz hey, people are jerks, and we probably are too. What's the alternative. There are a million ways to give up. But, there's only one thing to count on in order to improve. Your-self.

Everyone knows that you can't "love thy neighbor as you love thyself" if you don't love "thyself."

Down with cloudy mysticism and self-deprecation. Up with clear reason and perseverance. (And not just because Jesus would agree)."

20090112

Monday, January 12, 2009

The thing I hate the most about the navy is a supervisor’s ability to diminish someone without the risk of retribution. In most situations, people will not diminish others so openly for fear of attack or other retaliation. My ideas are good, and I seek to improve myself, my work environment, which subsequently can cause others to benefit. Too often though, I’m reproached for my proactive and independent character. Senior Chief Craig Apodaca is the main negative influence in my life, and in the division. His leadership style is detrimental to peoples’ mental health.

Today the LAN was taken down at work and I knew that we had to move our computers over to the barge to be able to use them later, as the network was being moved to the barge. But, when Craig found out that I had moved a computer, he asked me why I was doing it without his permission. I told him because I knew it had to be done, and he disagreed saying we can lock them up. I told him that we had to move them if we wanted to use them and asked where I put the computer. I told him I put it in the OPS office, and he said that that office was for the OPS officer. I said, “ok, where do you want me to move it?” And he yelled, “WELL THANKS FOR ASKING, BOATS!” and continued to affront me for the action, rather than answer my question. After he was done, I told him that the area that we used the last time we had a barge of that type was taken by the engineers. He then pointed out an area, and I said, “OK, I’ll put them there.” He then told some other people that he wanted to computers there, but, beforehand, didn’t want the computers moved at all. He effectively adopted my idea while diminishing the fact that I took the individual initiative to turn that idea into reality. I have a long list of occurrences like this documented from our previous deployment, along with dates and details.

I am tired of dealing with serpentine behavior of that nature; he is a repeat offender, in the most literal sense of the word “offender”. He offends, demeans, suppresses, and projects negativity onto anyone who works for him. His behavior is destructive to the motivation of his subordinates, as he treats them like despicable and undeserving objects; interacting with him causes me more stress than it’s worth, and usually keeps me from doing my job. I am not willing to be proactive and improve a situation in which this person is involved, as he is a counter-productive force, a squanderer of my intelligence, a destroyer of my individuality, and a suppressor of my self-expression and personal freedom. His leadership style is not conducive to my creativity, my initiative, my drive, my industrious work ethic, and my proactive and positive approach to leadership. Our styles of leadership and management are diametrically opposed. He preaches “respect up and down the chain of command,” but treats those under him with little, if any, respect, and is infuriated when he does not receive it from them. He is a terrible leader, in my opinion; and, he has cultivated negative attitudes in everyone who works for him. I am certain that more than ¾, if not all of the personnel who work under him (and possibly all those who have worked under him) would agree that his approach is not only unwelcome, it’s counter-productive, and somehow upset them, or even caused them serious mental distress. Deck seamen desire nothing more than to escape, and so do I. I did extremely well before he arrived, but since he has, he’s been stifling my success, and detracting from others’ recognition of it. I can deal with so much. But, I feel that to continue to endure this maltreatment, about which I feel I can do NOTHING, would be a stupid and self-sacrificing decision. One of us has to go, as I am unwilling to reconcile our differences, and unwilling to continue to produce value for an operation of which he is “in charge.” So, I have determined that I am putting in package for DIVE, as well as my STA21. Until then, I will concentrate only on endeavors outside of my division.

Other than that, I am making significant improvements. I have completed two classes in pursuit of my degree, and now taking an Anatomy and Physiology class. I have to make up my NC Pace course due to negligence on the part of our last Educational Services Officer, but I am confident that I can perform well, if the exam materials show up in time. I am in communication with the school who administered the course materials, and I will work out whatever I can with them. I also plan to request temporary assigned duty at the Naval Hospital in San Diego, so I can improve my medical knowledge and maybe get some connections that will help with STA21. Based on the past, I doubt that my command will support me on that. So I will have to base my actions on the future rather than the past.

I downloaded quite a bit of music production/mixing software that I am working with. I haven’t learned much yet, but it’s a step in the direction I want to go. I also started writing my goals for 2009. I did them a little differently this time, grouping them into areas of focus, like Business, Family, Health/Fitness, Navy Career, and etcetera. I haven’t completed it yet, but I am going to do that tonight, and really get the plans laid out. I am tired of screwing around and spinning my wheels, wearing myself out needlessly. So I am going to have the major accomplishments underneath the areas of focus, which involve longer-term goals, and then have individual actions and milestones (with timelines) for each accomplishment. This year I am going to draft business plans and submit them, at least for my ideas for the club-cam, and the pest control project. I also am going to start writing my “kaizen” book, and draft the Navy Movie, as well as collect the thoughts and entries I have written to and organize them for eventually use in a formal book of philosophy. I’ll also finish up the paperwork for immigration and adoption. I am going to submit another STA21 package, and also submit one for Dive school. One way or another, I have to go somewhere where I am not squelched by others’ commitment to proving human existence to be a depraved one, or at least not have to work for those who have that commitment—or those who have no commitment to the exaltation and improvement of humanity, beginning (and perhaps even ending) with the self. If someone does not have that as a foundation, I don’t want to deal with them.

I have also been reading and thinking about philosophy lately, and even writing a bit about it. I selected that as a minor for my degree, but it will be something in which I am deeply involved and active. I think it is important for everyone, and those who neglect it, neglect the fundamentals of their character and their deeply personal development of it. They leave that undefined, only to be defined by whomever, or to whomever or whatever they’ll define it in response. But, if it is not defined by the determination of one’s own mind, their character is more superficial, less profound, and less personal. There has never been a self-made person who did not have a deliberate, personally developed philosophy. In other words, there has never been a self-made person who did not make their self, quite literally and deliberately.

Tomorrow, I start riding my bike to work again, and working out full-steam. I think that will have a great positive effect on my motivation, confidence, and productivity.

20100101

Friday, January 01, 2010

2010 is the year it all turns around. The past two years were a rumination process, really. I went through some difficult trials but it all radically altered my perspective. I’ve been doing some reflection on it all lately. Before, despite my success, I was sympathetic to an egomaniacal, individualistic outlook. I was vying for a right-wing libertarian lifestyle, out-of-hand rejecting any collectivist notions that I suspected of harboring or defending a lifestyle of dependency. Much of my life relates directly to my relationship with Liz. My humanity took her, and while, at the time, I believed that my example of independent strength and will, along with my financial support, was more than enough to enable her to be independent and strong as well. But, I overlooked or underestimated the psychological underpinnings of her tendency towards dependency. And, I can compare this on a global scale, to my attitudes, and popular attitudes about the lower classes, the homeless, the mentally ill, the disabled, many of the elderly, or the socially and economically disadvantaged in general. And, my change of heart was much to the benefit of personal relationships.

Although, during this period I did turn-off my self-confidence and turn-down my spirited mission for personal progress and to make a contribution to social progress, but this was, however subconsciously, induced because my overconfidence and self-importance was not in agreement with the character of my self-proclaimed purpose: Kaizen, betterment of self, inspiration of others, influencing social improvement. The ripples can make waves, and I have long known that my influence does fashion the course of history, and influence the whole of it—potentially influencing great shifts in direction. However, as I looked to this idea as a source of inspiration, I resorted to a form of solipsism, exalting myself above the majority of humanity and becoming unsympathetic to their barriers to self-actualization. When I was studying Buddhism, I read that when the bodhisattvas reach Nirvana, they then return to the suffering world to enlighten others, bringing them to Nirvana, with a goal of bringing all beings to this state. During the time of my life when I was coming into my own independence and exercising my abilities to the fullest, I felt like a Bodhisattva who had reached Nirvana, gotten a taste of the power of full self-expression, but while reveling in the power it afforded me, I had forgotten about everyone else. Well, that’s not enlightenment. It makes sense that the bodhisattvas have to come back, because leaving the world behind, or dominating it, isn’t enlightenment—it isn’t productive or positively powerful. It’s much easier to get one’s self to the point where they are fully self-expressed and engaged in self-actualization, than it is to get someone else there. And that is, in my case, as I suspect is similar to all humans, because of my tendency to overlook or be unsympathetic to any foreign psychological condition, obstructing any possibility for relation. And, relationship is integral to mutual inquiry, connection, and experience.

So, the last couple paragraphs, on this page, literally, and in my life, metaphorically, have been a development of how independence and personal power, when worshipped as the highest of all virtues, are not conducive to social excellence. This might seem straightforward and easy to understand for a child: Selfishness simply favors the self over all else, including family members, future generations, and humanity itself. It’s short sighted, because the current span of a human life is little more than a century, at best.

There is something to be said about the positive ideas I retained from that time period, which was from about 2005 to 2008. I learned how to be myself, to trust myself, and to know that I was capable of accomplishing much more than I ever seriously imagined myself to be able to do. Sure, I had heard it from my parents and teachers and people who loved me, but this was the time period where I really tested it out, and found that it was certainly true: I was powerful. And, I doubt if anything worthwhile—as far as goal-reaching and self-actualization goes—could be accomplished without an embrace of self-confidence a healthy development of one’s ego (“one’s ego” is redundant), because, without being aware of my own ability, it would surely be difficult for me to use it. So, contrary to Zen, total annihilation of the ego is not conducive to social progress, at least at this point in our technological development. I use “ego” in the sense of self-opinion or consciousness of one’s own personality, rather than the pejorative meaning—selfishness. To be self-expressed and self-actualized, a person needs to be aware of their self. But, the lesson I have learned here is this: I live for others just as much as I live for myself. If I become unbalanced or out of agreement with my core in my conscious approach to goal-fulfillment or goal-selection, I will return to balance, perhaps against the will of my ego.

Perhaps the ego is more a tool of the base of self, which is not fully expressed in conscious thought, than I previously considered it to be. Maybe the subconscious mind is not a tool to be used by the conscious, but the consciousness wielded by direction of a deeper, fuller, more stable, and interconnected purpose lying in the subconscious.

I have some more thoughts on how religion ties into all of this as well, and some plans I have for the future, concerning religion, writing, personal relationships, and business. But, I will write more about these later.

20081227

Saturday, December 27, 2008

2008 was a stressful year for me. Something in me died this year. It is, ultimately, my fault. I sought to push myself to my breaking point, or nearly to it, and demand as much of myself as possible. Eventually I became overstressed. Dealing with the natural stresses of deployment and the gross inadequacies of leadership on my ship is what pushed me past the point where I lost my motivation and my zeal for doing and being as excellent as possible. I rallied a little later in the year for INSURV, and contributed a great deal to the success of my division and subsequently to the success of the ship, but received little gratitude, and none from most people. It’s only to be expected from these people. But, I don’t agree with their morality. They don’t love or respect great men, or good deeds. People who are authors of their own purpose, who strive for excellence, and who are strong and capable, and courageous enough to be that in the face of the poor, suffering scoffers who would call themselves equals by right, are forgotten, somehow rationalized as normal, and hated for being better, truer men. The only people who respect this higher quality of person this are ones who are the same, the minority—the extraordinary. These are the people that bear, contribute, accomplish, and consequently suffer the most—and suffer the most unjustly, by the prejudice of the weak.

But, despite my disapproval of most people and their lack of personal integrity (and my own breaches of it), I can’t help myself but the say that here is an opportunity to restart now with fervor, unabashed and—not unaware, but indifferent to the indifference or the hate that others may have for my endeavors. But, one thing I won’t expect, or even desire, is support. To desire the support of another is a sign of weakness and delusion, it’s a sick fantasy entertained by those who desire pity, and necessarily then, wish to sustain or perhaps even to uplift that which should, and would—were it not for the pity and action or support of others—naturally, fall. Now, I have done some preparation to pursue the important endeavors in my life, the things I value, which are: quality relationships with family and friends, sports medicine and the improvement of physical and mental human capacity and ability, writing and philosophy—especially to dispel religion and promote true virtue (Homeric virtue), and music production. This year, in each of these areas, I will make significant progress and achievement—significant in the sense of contribution to the end, or benefit for myself and those who associate themselves with me, (though not parasitically). My career in The Navy is not a priority, as it was in the two previous years. While I have done extremely well, and succeeded so far as I was able in such a short period of time—and I believe I will continue to succeed—but, I feel like my efforts and work are being spoiled in that they have been doing more benefit to others than have to me, and that if I focused some of that time and creative and intellectual energy in other areas, it would do me more benefit, rather than having those undeserving and unappreciative few suck the life-blood from me any further.

I’ve already completed a couple classes toward my sports medicine degree, I recently downloaded some music production software; I started a blog, and here I am writing a journal again after a six month hiatus. I’ve never been into the New Year’s resolution gig, but this year, I am making an exception. This year, I’ll accomplish as much or more as last year, which is considerable, but better prioritize and focus that accomplishment to benefit more from it, rather than spin my wheels, and have the sense of expending far too much energy for far too little result.

20080504

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It all made sense to me, but I lost it somewhere.

I don’t remember when… in the memories

Too many details, smeared.

Then, I was headed in the right direction; I knew what I was fighting for.

Now, I don’t remember.

I lost myself.

The world is so confusing sometimes. I figured the whole thing out several times, but it’s slippery, you know? The meaning of life… It’s so sensitive, like being in the zone. Once you have it, the smallest thing can knock it away, and you don’t know how to get back. You get lost in the spider webs. Now I’m out here in the middle of the ocean, not knowing where the hell I am going and feeling like no one can or even wants to help. I’m feeling alone. I am letting myself beat my ideals. And I don’t know why. It’s not the stress. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what to do about anything. So I am doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting myself. And I feel like anything that I do to try to progress here is amounting to nothing. I have dreams and ideas that I want to fulfill. But I feel like I am spinning my tires in the mud here. The harder I try, the more I waste myself.

I don’t know why I am so sad lately. This experience is difficult. I miss everyone back home, and I feel like I am removed from any stable foundation where I can perform at a fully functional level. I have lost my motivation, and while all I want is to regain it, I fail to find the source. I know what I have always told myself: my family, my wife, kids, other people, making the world a better place. I have ideals, like most people. The stress and tribulation of what happens in life can really take a shit on ideals, but when things were difficult for me and I felt like I had to carry the weight of the world, I performed at a very efficient level. I don’t know if it is just that I am not being challenged enough. It can’t be. I can challenge myself more than most people have ever been able to. I could challenge myself, and that isn’t what’s at the source of motivation. Maybe it’s necessity. Right now, all I can think about needing is to get back to my family. The people around here are constantly pissing me off. I am annoyed with their lack of ability or desire to improve anything, or get work done. I just feel like the mindset I set out with has degraded to the point of apathy. I see my inability to influence them in a positive way as a failure in myself. And I’ve been giving up on them, and myself. And that is everything that I am against. I feel like I am becoming one of those poor suffering souls, feeling sorry for themselves. So right now, I am against myself. And it feels like a downward spiral.

I’m battling for my soul… again.

I can’t be sorry for myself. I can’t wait around for that. I need to rekindle that sense of urgency and need. I recognize that the world needs people to do more than they believe that they can do, and do it to improve the world. Otherwise, it will only get worse. I could just let myself go on, waiting until I feel fit enough to give it another try. But that’s just a plan to fail. There’s no trying for me. I have to be clear, sharp, quick, sure and solid. I have to strike to the heart of the matter. I just have to do it, and it has to be perfect. Failure, for me, is to die without breaking through to the next level, or at least generating a spark for the ignition.

I’m not afraid to be who I am, or express myself to the fullest. I am not afraid to admit what I stand for. I just need to stand for it without fail. I have done it many times, but it has been highly circumstantial. Forget the convenience. I need to stand for what I stand for more powerfully, without regard for convenience or undesirable circumstance, and do it without wavering in the least.

I have been through more trying matters than this, and though my vision has become clouded, I know that if I press on, it will all become clear again. Nothing can stop me from doing what I came to do, and being who I came to be in the world. I can’t speak this and falter. I speak truth into the future. And it is. I refuse to fail. I refuse for what I say to be false.

I will transcend my weaknesses, and humanity will do the same. But for now, we’re both struggling.

20080430

Never stop pushing for progress.

Humanity in this world, as advanced as it may seem, has quite some way to go in its development.

There are those who are not consciously aware that their actions are detrimental to humanity. It is our responsibility, those of us who are enlightened enough to recognize this, to educate and inspire these people to contribute beyond themselves.

There is suffering, and it is our duty to alleviate it, if we are able. There is starvation, and it is our duty to provide food, if we are able. There is malevolence, and it is our duty to counteract it, if we are able. There is ignorance, and it is our duty to teach, if we are able. There is disease, and it is our duty to cure it, if we are able.

We will find a way, if we press on.

But to sit idly by and contribute nothing, to refuse to strive, is to be no better than the malevolent, the torturous, and the disruptors of our harmony. There are those who, anonymously, in darkness, endeavor to see humanity die. And even more numerous are those who harm humanity and hinder our progress through their selfish and foolish actions. And if we do nothing, these forces will overcome. Everyone is guilty of the contribution they didn’t make. Everyone is at fault for the time and opportunities they had to contribute to the world which they wasted. Everyone is guilty of the good they didn’t do.

Life is best spent in contribution to others. Without that connection, one is consumed by their self-serving nature, like a dark star, stealing the light of others, and stealing the light of the world.

Go beyond the lonely planet of the self, venture out, and light up the worlds of others.

There is darkness. And it is our duty to dispel it, if we are able.

20080328

3/28/2008

We just left Cagayan De Oro, RP. I believe that the USS Vandegrift is the first navy ship to visit CDO since World War II. Apparently there were a few people who protested our presence there, however, everyone I met there seemed very friendly and cordial for the most part. I was also able to get online for once and download some updates for my laptop. I bought a few souvenirs and things for my kids, as well as some shoes nice Speedo’s and a book about human intuition.

I read the first few pages of the book and it got me wondering about coincidental occurrences, intuition, and the possibility that there is an underlying connection between all things, to which the human mind is somehow subconsciously in tune. But those are thoughts for another time.

There were some areas with some extremely bad living conditions in Cagayan De Oro, and seeing the state of some of the people there was a very humbling experience. I have thought about how difficult life is for other people in poverty, especially in extreme poverty like I witnessed here. But to experience it firsthand is a wholly distinct experience from imagining it, and I believe that any morally decent person’s heart would go out to these people upon such an experience. These people were living in little forts made of plywood and leaves. Some of the luckier ones had roofs made of sheet metal. These “houses” had no electricity or running water, and the toilet consisted of a hole in the floor. Some of them were built over the water, and some weren’t. Most of the kids appeared to be very undernourished; to give them a coin worth, literally, $0.025 (40 of these would make 1 dollar) excited them more than my kids were excited over their Christmas presents. Seeing all this inspired me to undertake an idea for a non-profit company that would encourage and sponsor not only children and families in need of support, but the people who desire to help them through volunteering their efforts.

So now it’s back to nutrition, STA21, preservation, the daily bullshit, and planning for the future.