20100221

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I do my best thinking when I am going to sleep. So many profound thoughts have been forgotten because I didn’t write them down before falling asleep, or just upon waking, for that matter. If only I could hook up something to my brain that would record my thoughts while I was I am in that state, I would have a much more detailed and complete account of my thoughts. Maybe eventually that technology will be available. Maybe I should be the one to pursue inventing it.

§

I was thinking about my conversation with Billy Rodriguez (a family friend) today, about Hume’s ethics. He mentioned a statement made by Hume about the impotence of reason in dealing with moral judgments, presumably in defense of religion, in response to a previous post I had made quoting Hume about sense experience being more reliable than the testimony of religious scriptures.

I made a pretty extensive explanation of Hume’s ethics to him, but that may have not been the best response. I don’t like to feel as if I’m intellectually bowling people over, or putting a heavy burden on them to sift through my writing to find the meaning, but I feel like that’s what I do too often. I would like to be more concise, but there just seems to be too much to say.

Anyway, the background information on Hume’s ethics may have been helpful, or even necessary to understanding the context of his statement about reason not relating to moral judgments, but I did have a new thought about it, which I didn’t state in the original reply.

If reason were truly impotent in determining ‘right’ from ‘wrong’, then we’d have no cause to assent to religious propositions about moral truth. We could accept some moral judgments and reject others, but not because they come from God or some religious authority. To reach this conclusion, we have to reason that God, or at least that religious scripture, is the source of moral truth, and use reason to defend that claim. Dismissing reason as playing some part in moral judgments would surely make the ability to determine moral truth or falsity impossible, as it cuts off any hope for justification as to why a statement is true or false.

20100220

Saturday, February 20, 2010

School is great. I could live in school. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up doing something like that, turning into one of those lifelong academics. I wish I could do more now, but soon I’ll be able to. I go to shore duty and that should free up some more time for study. It’s not like I’m not studying a ridiculous amount as it is, I’m just not doing it in any particularly organized manner, and not for college credit. It’s all good, though. It seems like most of the classes I’ve taken, I’ve already been prepared for. Hopefully I can keep that going, at least to some extent. I suspect that there’s virtually no way that could be for medical school, but at least I can prepare as much as possible. Right now, philosophy is dominating my life, but I don’t see any reason why I’d have a problem shifting gears. In fact, philosophy is giving me a better faculty with which to understand everything else. It really is the paradigm for everything else—the philosophy behind it. The threads in the blanket of philosophy stretch out to every possible space they can reach, like life itself expands to the extremes of its own ability to survive.

I’ve been listening to Richard Dawkin’s The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution. It’s very well put together, and the way it presents arguments is much more sophisticated and well put together than those in The God Delusion. I want to go back and revisit that one again as well. I’m planning on setting up another blog for book/literary reviews here: http://literaphile.blogspot.com/. And I’ll pour out some extensive thoughts on those book there, but The Greatest Show on Earth gave me a couple ideas I wanted to mention, because they tie in to a couple subjects I have been thinking about quite a lot lately. The first one came to me during a treatment of DNA, and how it is self-replicating. Mr. Dawkins talks about how someone being eaten by a tiger might at least feel some solace in the idea that they were being sacrificed to one of nature’s great beasts, and similarly with an anaconda. He even quotes Blake’s Tiger, Tiger during this segment. But, the he says that dying from the common cold just seems so “futile.” “But, it’s all futile,” he says, because DNA just has to replicate. It doesn’t care if it does it by the tiger eating you or the cold-virus making you sneeze. I don’t want to delve into evolution and DNA. I rather think Dr. Dawkins does a fine job of it in his book. But, I do want to compare the idea of DNA being a self-replicating chemical machine to the idea of nanobots. I am sure that this is not a new analogy, but, when listening to the audiobook, that was the first time it had crossed my mind.

A self-replicating nanobot world might end up being something very like a DNA world, as nanobots found better ways to carry out their replication and provide themselves with the resources they needed to replicate. I don’t think there’s much probability to the fear that self replicating nanobots could devour the entire world because they would be quite limited in their functionality. I really haven’t done the research or have the knowledge that I should on nanotechnology, especially since it’s an emerging industry and shows promise in being such an integral part of the future, and the futurist movement. But, that’s a subject I’ll have to elaborate on later.

Another idea I want to use in my political writing concerns Mr. Dawkin’s discussion of the reason why trees grow so tall—because they have had to compete against one another for sunlight in the forests. He talks about how growing taller costs the trees more valuable energy and resources, and that it would just be better if the trees could settle on a rule to grow to a certain height, and not grow any higher, they would save themselves from wasting a lot of energy. This would make a great analogy for the way our society works, and how, if we could just agree not to take advantage of each-other in competition, we’d save a lot of energy, and prevent a lot of suffering. More elaboration on that to come as well.

I really need to get working on writing these books, and I think I will be able to do that during the deployment. I hope I am not on the watch-bill for deployment, but it doesn’t look too promising. I’ve just been too excited to get back and get off of the USS VANDEGRIFT, finally. It’s been a long time and I’ve been through too much bullshit there, too much time spinning my wheels and not moving nearly as fast as I should have, thanks especially to several people who just can’t bear to see someone else do well because it would make them feel worse about their position in life. But enough with that negativity…

It’s time to reorganize, refocus, and make another push.

20100109

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I read history as it is written, from right to left. But, that is not to say that it is logically impossible for this to alter. It’s imaginable that an oppressive group could seize power over the whole of humanity, for a virtually eternal amount of time, arresting or reversing the liberalization of humanity. And, as power concentrates, and those with it tend to accumulate more and relinquish none, it is documented in history that liberalizing forces, from time to time, arrest, break down and reverse this accumulation when it becomes unfit. The overall trend of forward motion, however, is one that moves from chaos to order, and oppression to freedom simultaneously, despite the fact that these dichotomies are not always aligned. So, this cycle moves humanity, throughout the history of western civilization, as aforementioned, from right to left, with the whole of humanity being afforded greater and more equal freedom, due in large part to the progress of humanist morality, or rather, human morality. And, it also moves from chaos to order, simplicity to elegance, due in large part to the power exercised by individuals or organizations.

§

James Cameron’s, Avatar, was not simply a social commentary on the U.S. use of military force to secure energy resources without regard to established culture or human life, but clearly on planetary ecology as well. I have long sympathized with this message of a need for human integration into nature, and efficient symbiosis, rather than domination and exploitation. This was absolutely clear to me even as a teenager. And, I sense that the zeitgeist is shifting from one of individualism, selfishness, and domination—which perhaps saw its peak in the late 90’s—to one of integration, cooperation, and compassion. However this global organism moves, if it moves by the influence human nature, it will move in the direction that favors the most humans the most, for the longest amount of time. In our sociological development, we’ve become better planners, able to consider long term plans and consequences, further into the future, as our supplementation of memory and thought increases with technology. This, combined with the unifying forces of communication and social networking technology, has allowed us to awaken to those practices which have been contrary to our efficiency, as well as to our humanity. And, despite the decreasing numbers of people who deny or resist this progress, it will continue as long as there are humanists among us.

§

The displacement of human labor, of jobs, by technology is not a new phenomenon, the quintessential example being the Luddites and the mechanized loom. Today we hear often about the rapid, perhaps even exponential improvement and development of technology, which translates in some areas, to the rapid, perhaps exponential replacement of human jobs by machines. All the while, the population of the world continues to increase, as our medical knowledge and ability, as well as our ability in agriculture improves due to technology also. The fact that we presently have the ability to meet the kilocalorie per day requirements for all humans alive is another issue. But, more and more people continue to become unemployed due to job replacing technologies, and this trend shows no sign of reversing. Where are these jobs going? Either they go to unskilled labor, the service sector, or the unemployment line, diminishing the middle class. This leads many people to denounce technology, as did the Luddites. But, technology is not the enemy of our collective happiness or our progress; it rather lends itself to these. Unless something alters, this trend will lead to a critical mass of sorts, where the numerous unemployed people of diminishing social and economic class will be forced to take action, or die. Could this possibly lead to something like Marx’s proletariat revolution?

§

Maybe there are some things over which we should exercise our influence, and others that we should let run their course, free from manipulation.

20090905

Saturday, September 05, 2009

If we antagonize creationists and the religious, ranging from dogmatic fundamentalists to only spiritual liberals, to question and defend their beliefs, we may spur them to arms, but we also spur them to question, and thus to knowledge. By provoking and attacking religious argument, we create question, we create a need in them to form logically viable and sensible arguments.

That creationists are advancing and using science in their arguments is only an indication of their movement towards a real embrace of science.

While some individuals may continue to take a selective, dogmatic approach to science evidence, picking and choosing what facts are conducive to their preferred conclusion; their involvement in science can only lead to a spark of interest in science, its modes of operation, and use of the scientific method, by others who become involved in the argument. It will undoubtedly lead to more and more people to embrace science, to question, and to more securely bolster our knowledge of the natural world, while rejecting superstitious, fallacious, or erroneous beliefs.

We are, despite seemingly insurmountable difficulty, making progress, as is evident through history.

20090819

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today I had the opportunity to speak to some people from the GAO, which is a panel that interviews, observes, and reports to congress about manning and training issues in government organizations. In a nutshell, I told them that, with the manning now reduced in the Navy, the material condition, as well as the morale of the personnel has been impacted, and that the personnel are expected to meet expectations that were set at a time when the manning was sufficient to meet those expectations. Either the expectations should change, or the manning should change, but to keep expecting things to work as effectively, efficiently, and the people to be as enthusiastic about working for the Navy while continuing to reduce the man-power is unreasonable. I understand the budget constraints and human resources alone are the biggest draw on the budget itself, but the system needs some streamlining in order to operate efficiently. Right now, it is bound for breakdown.

I couldn’t really express to the people the stress and discontent that I feel about working 60-80 hours a week while receiving little or no praise, and little or no support in my personal endeavors. But, I believe at least one of the panel members really felt some compassion for our situation. Afterwards he shook my hand and gave a reassuring look, as he wished me luck and told me he was going to take his notes back to Washington. Apparently one of the ladies there, the leader of the panel, I assume, was the DOD civilian equivalent of an Admiral. I hope they do positively impact congress, and influence them to make some intelligent decisions that will improve the Navy.

The Executive Officer on board VANDEGRIFT assured me that it will be years, if not over a decade before we see results from that panel, if any. But then I think how 100% of congress is Christian, and I fear that their intelligent decision making ability is more prone to emotion and preference of ideology than to actual efficiency, based on human nature.

I feel good about the future again, for once. I am not so concerned with a vehicle, or so apathetic about improving conditions at home, at work, or with my health and fitness. I am starting to fight the uphill battle again, which is the only way to get up. The only other choice is down, or stagnation, which is only another way of looking at moving down—it simply seems that the world is moving past while you don’t move at all.

It seems to me that the ups and downs are all part of the evolutionary process, and that all evolutions follow a similar pattern of creation, to destruction, to creation from that destruction.

As long as I ease human suffering, both directly, by who I am on a daily basis, and residually, through the long and short term effects of my actions, I am fulfilling my (self-designated) purpose.

20090806

Thursday, August 06, 2009

It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened, and so many plans have fizzled out or been forgotten. I don’t even know why I am writing. Will anyone ever read this? I used to envision people reading my journals and analyzing my thoughts long after my death, but I suppose that’s my arrogance kicking in. I used to tell myself it was only confidence, that I would make a difference in the world and everyone would know and remember me, and see me as a genius. I am not the overconfident person I used to be. But, I do feel like I performed much more efficiently and effectively at whatever it was I was doing in that mode. I don’t know if I will go back to that or not. I do know that I don’t like where I have navigated in life, or who I am, currently. I know I have to initiate some radical changes, and transcend the lifestyle of mundane degeneration I have adopted for myself lately. I never thought I was like most people, content to sit and watch the latest sitcom, repeating some insipid job that would be better performed by a robot, feeding into the money-making machine, where some unscrupulous asshole collects surplus capital produced by my labor, while I struggle to pay bills and feed my kids. I always knew I wasn’t into that, and growing up, I rebelled against it in some pretty unintelligent ways; I fucked around a lot and didn’t really get anywhere, but I did dream big. Eventually, when I joined the US Navy, I started to really pursue a few of those big dreams, putting foundations and support structures under those castles in the sky. But, I have always felt utterly alone in those endeavors. I longed for cooperation, relation, and understanding. I have yet to really experience that. And, I believe that, by making some pivotal choices and directing my life as I have, I’ve ruined my chances of completing those structures, unless I make some changes, now.

I have not been going home much lately. My vehicle broke down and I don’t really enjoy taking the trolley home, or riding my bike to work anymore. I did it for about six months, on and off, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t really want to do much. I am tired of struggling and not really making much noticeable progress, and encountering increasing resistance every step of the way. People’s advice, though usually well intended, doesn’t contribute in the least to any solid step I could make toward recovery from the catastrophe that is my life lately. I fear, as with every other time conditions have gotten rough, that I am going to have to fix it, improve it, and move on alone, with little or no cooperation, and over-stress myself until I break down again. Is that the way life goes? It should not be like this. The only feeling I have about that sort of execution of human life, is deep despair.

I have done my utmost to be a positive, constructive, creative, contribution to society—one that improves circumstances, not only for myself, but for others, for society itself; I even dedicated years of my life in an attempt to facilitate the improvement of two human beings in dire condition—but I have nearly destroyed my ability to succeed and flourish in the process. I have definitely destroyed my motivation to go on in pursuit of my dreams. And, I feel like my sacrifice was worthless and stupid. I feel that I made a terrible choice, and that I would have and could have better served the world, and myself, by avoiding my compassion completely. But, that’s also what I feel is the greatest hindrance to humanism, and the furthering of human ethics. People don’t give a shit about each-other, and when they do, they get taken advantage of, and suffer for it. It reminds me of that e.e. cummings poem about humanity. I love people, but I hate them for being so stupid. And, I guess that goes for me as well.

I am sorry for not giving my kids a better life. I really wish I could have provided more for them. I didn’t do my best until it was too late, and then, while I was doing more than superman himself could have done, over-achieving and pushing hard to make more money, to learn, and to do well, my efforts were continuously degraded by fucked up people, and a fucked up system that doesn’t give a shit about anyone.

The thing I like about free-market libertarianism, Ayn Rand, and conservative political philosophy of people in the US is that it invokes a sense of personal capability, initiative, responsibility, and worth. But, I don’t agree that altruism or egalitarianism is a hindrance to social progress, or even personal progress. The fact that some people are paying $500 for face creams, or pumping hundreds of dollars a month of gas—lining the pockets of people who openly hate America, and the Americans who are in bed with them—into their unnecessarily oversized SUVs, polluting the air their children will be breathing after they’ve killed themselves by smoking cigarettes, while other people are literally eating trash out of dumpsters, makes me angry. And that’s what over-adherence to that philosophy has produced. Of course, it also produced a lot of wealth for our society, but, apparently, if my ship is throwing thousands of pounds of food in the garbage and pumping into the ocean on a weekly basis, not to mention spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on gas on a weekly basis, we are not being very responsible or intelligent about using that wealth. Better yet, if we are using that wealth to trick people into thinking that some ridiculous herbs will make them live longer and lose weight without exercise, or that because some celebrity said they used a brand of makeup, it will somehow make them more nearly attractive or personable as that celebrity, only to dupe them out of giving up their money, then we are not being responsible with our wealth. Usury is ubiquitous, customary even, in American society. We pride ourselves on kicking people’s asses, legally robbing them, and putting the less deserving in their place—underneath. So we’ve essentially reduced ourselves to a bunch of crabs in one giant bucket. Who cares if you get out? Your brethren are still struggling, and dying in there, and you might have stepped on them or pulled them down in the process. Unfortunate circumstances befall people, the future is not clear, and people make bad decisions that lead to hardship. There’s no reason to leave them to die of disease or starvation in the street, or struggle seeking remedy for their pain alone.

It’s more than halfway through 2009 now, and I have great hope for the future. I just have lost a lot of the hope for my own. I would have liked to be born about fifty years from now, or maybe further, depending on how much we’ve progressed. It seems that visionaries and optimistic artists are always overestimating how fast we’ll progress as a species. Humans are cursed with an animal nature that they have symbolized in demons, devils, and evil spirits. I don’t believe in any of those symbols actually existing, only that they are anthropomorphized icons of that instinct in human nature which drives people to dominate one another. We can wash our hands of this, and that is my hope for the future.

"The real advantages that should result from this progress, of which we can entertain a hope that is almost a certainty, can have no other term than that of the absolute perfection of the human race; since, as the various kinds of equality come to work in its favor by producing ampler sources of supply, more extensive education, more complete liberty, so equality will be more real and will embrace everything which is really of importance for the happiness of human beings ....

The time will therefore come when the sun will shine only on free men who know no other master but their reason; when tyrants and slaves, priests and their stupid or hypocritical instruments will exist only in works of history and on the stage; and when we shall think of them only to pity their victims and their dupes; to maintain ourselves in a state of vigilance by thinking on their excesses; and to learn how to recognize and so to destroy, by force of reason, the first seeds of tyranny and superstition, should they ever dare to reappear among us."

-Marquis de Condorcet (1744-1794)

Some people might say this is only a lofty dream. I can’t think of a more noble purpose to which to dedicate one’s life.

As is demonstrated by my life thus far, we can strive to force-feed our vision and values to other people, even if we think that’s what’s best for them, but they’ll resist it. They have to find their own way. And if they are unwilling to relinquish their usurious, parasitic behavior, they can never be absolved as humans. I have stupidly spent years of my life in the pursuit of the impossible, as noble a cause as it were. And, I know that my wife and children have benefited from the fruits of my labor, but has it been worth the cost? Has the cost been necessary? Has the suffering been necessary?

I don’t think so. And I don’t blame only myself, or them, but everyone. The human world is juvenile, continuously infantilized by our damnable instincts and stubborn resistance to or rejection of cooperation and foresight.

I can’t bear to live any longer with these lazy, stupid people I love, and that love me as well, while we punish each other with our desires, demands, and judgments.

I tried.

I don't want to give up.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

After some depression in activity, thought, and sense of purpose, I’m ready to charge again. I’ve been carrying along in my endeavors sluggishly, and have been pretty well downtrodden lately; I’m tired of the feeling. So I’ve re-imagined my purpose and my motivation and I’ve resolved to be proactive despite the deep emotional costs associated with the isolation, indifference, rejection, combativeness, disapproval, resistance, and otherwise burdening hindrances and dissociation of relatedness with others. I know that in allowing myself to be defeated, I am allowing the vision, principles, purpose, and possibilities for which I work to create and progress, and to establish and maintain, to be defeated in some way as well, by that same indifference and rejection, and, “it’s not worth it” mentality. Instead, I promote that mentality. And that is something with which I have never intended to sympathize.

I’ve made quite a bit of progress in school, but now that my tuition assistance is used up, I think I will concentrate on strengthening family and personal relationships for a while. I’ll still be reading and studying, and taking some CLEP and DANTES exams for college credit. I just finished a philosophy class, which I thoroughly enjoyed, despite the demands and deadlines which were difficult to meet due to obligations at work, and my own recent depression. I have one more class about physical training.

I’ve been really starting to rethink going into sports medicine. While it could prove to be lucrative (or could prove to not be), I don’t believe that I would be best fulfilled in my capacities by treating injuries and helping people to recover from them, even if some of my work would be in research or in exercise and training instruction. I have become very interested in the fields of evolutionary and molecular biology and genetics, as well as neurology and psychology. I wonder how many strings I might be able to tie together there, but seeing as how medicine (and all science, really) is highly specialized, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to attempt to connect those dots. Philosophy is to be a pervasive part of my life as well. I see it as an extension of science, in a way. Philosophy acts as the antennae of science, always feeling for new possible paths, determining hypotheses and pointing the direction. Science then determines the validity then by going in that direction, and practically testing it. They rely on and give feedback to each-other in that sense, like the relationship of intuition and reason. They are highly complementary, and perhaps absurd without one another, even though many people consider them to be conflicting or wholly and independently distinct.

In my philosophy class, my professor expressed some sentiment about me being a teacher’s assistant. Even though this online school does not allow this, I was excited at the idea of being able to work with and gain extra knowledge from a knowledgeable philosopher. I told him that I’d like to help do research projects or papers, or assist in whatever way possible, unofficially, but I haven’t received a response yet. I will check on that tomorrow as well.

The next thing I want to accomplish with my family is a collective mission statement. I know I have been difficult for them to deal with lately, and I will need to talk to them all about this before we can move forward with anything. I think that we have made a lot of progress lately, especially Liz with her increasing awareness and handling of her financial responsibility. But, I want to be involved in more activities with the Kids. I’ve scheduled some times for us to go out, both on family events and with just me and one of them at a time. Without school being so demanding of my time, I will be better able to do all that.

Another thing that helps me is to write, and doing it more often helps keep me focused and grounded in my purpose. I’ve been neglecting to write in my blogs or journals, or anything otherwise introspective other than papers for school. I started listen to another book, The New Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz M.D. It has sparked my interest in personal development and psychology again.

I get angry when I look back and see how I’ve allowed my analysis of other people and their treatment of me, and my emotions surrounding that, to depress my drive and sense of myself—to affect my self-image. I don’t know if there is a more appropriate, or more effective response that to channel that energy into productivity. I want to think of myself as I did before this great decline in self-confidence and determination, but still take some morsel of maturity out of it. Before, I was unstoppable—and then I stopped being that. So I have to stop letting things stop me again, but first, I have to know myself to be every bit, if not more, powerful and unstoppable as I was before I gave up. I have told myself that these leaders here, the people in authority positions above me, are unreliable, lacking integrity, and destructive. Even if it is so, and in most cases I very much believe it is, I cannot allow it to destroy me, even if that is its one and only purpose. I have to know, like I have always known, that I am stronger, more intelligent, more capable, more motivated, more right, and most importantly, more determined than they can ever be, in their defeated states of angst, and in their parasitic behaviors, and anxious quests for recognition and value. If they would take my value from me, and I would show them that their way is the wrong way, there is no way for me to do it by refusing to produce. Then I become worthless to them and to myself. This is no solution. If I could destroy their blood sucking minds, relinquish them of their power, reveal and alter or amputate their behavior, or otherwise eliminate their threat and the burden they place on me, I would. But until I can gain position to do that, I can only press on while they benefit from me.

Should it really be a part of my mission to destroy or defeat them?

Or should I only want to create what I can, and contribute as much as I can, rather than wasting my time with lesser humans?

Or… should I undertake it to help them?

20090319

March 19, 2009

You seriously could make a stronger case for the force (i.e. panthiesm) than YAHWEH. But then again, if you believe the world was created around 6,000 years ago, or that sprinkling some water on a baby while a guy says some magic words will somehow change the outcome of that baby's life (or death), you might just be willing to believe anything... like that a man once turned a wooden staff into a snake or parted the oceans. I don't see anyone being able to reasonably explain how any of that works.

I look at these people as kids pretending to do what grown-ups do. But when people with infantile mentalities start writing laws, instituting programs and policies, organizing, and getting into positions of authority of people who are more mentally mature, it causes a lot of problems and frustration. Anyone who has been in the military know that. How many backwards, mentally challenged authoritarians have you come across, or worse, had to work for? How should we react to that? And how can we reduce that?

How great would it be if a majority of the world was reasonable in its beliefs and respectful in its relationships with people? Isn't that worth working towards?

I keep talking to people at work about two main things:

1 - Leadership. Whether or not other people's feelings and happiness are a concern of yours, people are generally more likely to do what you want them to do if you encourage and enrich the growth of their intrinsic motivation, rather than try to force them by your sheer domination/authority/power. Leadership doesn't consist of getting things done that your bosses want you to get done, but rather it consists of inspiring people to want to do a good job for their own benefit in life, simply by pointing a good direction, or leading them to consider that they have the power, and the motivation to fulfill their purpose in life, even if they have to start by being the best damn sweeper even known.

and

2 - Improvement. Do something. Anything. Just one thing. Give a shit; care about something. Apply your abilities and intellect to some goal or purpose. Don't waste yourself and your life. I guess a lot of people feel like they can't grow or improve under certian conditions (that they feel are hostile). I have felt the same way... a lot. But, the stars never seem to align. And I feel like people are generally waiting for circumstance to become favorable enough for them to start doing what they really want to do in life. Doesn't buying into religion seem to be going down that path to "giving up?" Like, things are so terrible in the world, we should just let God deal with it... defer our abilities and see what happens, cuz hey, people are jerks, and we probably are too. What's the alternative. There are a million ways to give up. But, there's only one thing to count on in order to improve. Your-self.

Everyone knows that you can't "love thy neighbor as you love thyself" if you don't love "thyself."

Down with cloudy mysticism and self-deprecation. Up with clear reason and perseverance. (And not just because Jesus would agree)."

20090112

Monday, January 12, 2009

The thing I hate the most about the navy is a supervisor’s ability to diminish someone without the risk of retribution. In most situations, people will not diminish others so openly for fear of attack or other retaliation. My ideas are good, and I seek to improve myself, my work environment, which subsequently can cause others to benefit. Too often though, I’m reproached for my proactive and independent character. Senior Chief Craig Apodaca is the main negative influence in my life, and in the division. His leadership style is detrimental to peoples’ mental health.

Today the LAN was taken down at work and I knew that we had to move our computers over to the barge to be able to use them later, as the network was being moved to the barge. But, when Craig found out that I had moved a computer, he asked me why I was doing it without his permission. I told him because I knew it had to be done, and he disagreed saying we can lock them up. I told him that we had to move them if we wanted to use them and asked where I put the computer. I told him I put it in the OPS office, and he said that that office was for the OPS officer. I said, “ok, where do you want me to move it?” And he yelled, “WELL THANKS FOR ASKING, BOATS!” and continued to affront me for the action, rather than answer my question. After he was done, I told him that the area that we used the last time we had a barge of that type was taken by the engineers. He then pointed out an area, and I said, “OK, I’ll put them there.” He then told some other people that he wanted to computers there, but, beforehand, didn’t want the computers moved at all. He effectively adopted my idea while diminishing the fact that I took the individual initiative to turn that idea into reality. I have a long list of occurrences like this documented from our previous deployment, along with dates and details.

I am tired of dealing with serpentine behavior of that nature; he is a repeat offender, in the most literal sense of the word “offender”. He offends, demeans, suppresses, and projects negativity onto anyone who works for him. His behavior is destructive to the motivation of his subordinates, as he treats them like despicable and undeserving objects; interacting with him causes me more stress than it’s worth, and usually keeps me from doing my job. I am not willing to be proactive and improve a situation in which this person is involved, as he is a counter-productive force, a squanderer of my intelligence, a destroyer of my individuality, and a suppressor of my self-expression and personal freedom. His leadership style is not conducive to my creativity, my initiative, my drive, my industrious work ethic, and my proactive and positive approach to leadership. Our styles of leadership and management are diametrically opposed. He preaches “respect up and down the chain of command,” but treats those under him with little, if any, respect, and is infuriated when he does not receive it from them. He is a terrible leader, in my opinion; and, he has cultivated negative attitudes in everyone who works for him. I am certain that more than ¾, if not all of the personnel who work under him (and possibly all those who have worked under him) would agree that his approach is not only unwelcome, it’s counter-productive, and somehow upset them, or even caused them serious mental distress. Deck seamen desire nothing more than to escape, and so do I. I did extremely well before he arrived, but since he has, he’s been stifling my success, and detracting from others’ recognition of it. I can deal with so much. But, I feel that to continue to endure this maltreatment, about which I feel I can do NOTHING, would be a stupid and self-sacrificing decision. One of us has to go, as I am unwilling to reconcile our differences, and unwilling to continue to produce value for an operation of which he is “in charge.” So, I have determined that I am putting in package for DIVE, as well as my STA21. Until then, I will concentrate only on endeavors outside of my division.

Other than that, I am making significant improvements. I have completed two classes in pursuit of my degree, and now taking an Anatomy and Physiology class. I have to make up my NC Pace course due to negligence on the part of our last Educational Services Officer, but I am confident that I can perform well, if the exam materials show up in time. I am in communication with the school who administered the course materials, and I will work out whatever I can with them. I also plan to request temporary assigned duty at the Naval Hospital in San Diego, so I can improve my medical knowledge and maybe get some connections that will help with STA21. Based on the past, I doubt that my command will support me on that. So I will have to base my actions on the future rather than the past.

I downloaded quite a bit of music production/mixing software that I am working with. I haven’t learned much yet, but it’s a step in the direction I want to go. I also started writing my goals for 2009. I did them a little differently this time, grouping them into areas of focus, like Business, Family, Health/Fitness, Navy Career, and etcetera. I haven’t completed it yet, but I am going to do that tonight, and really get the plans laid out. I am tired of screwing around and spinning my wheels, wearing myself out needlessly. So I am going to have the major accomplishments underneath the areas of focus, which involve longer-term goals, and then have individual actions and milestones (with timelines) for each accomplishment. This year I am going to draft business plans and submit them, at least for my ideas for the club-cam, and the pest control project. I also am going to start writing my “kaizen” book, and draft the Navy Movie, as well as collect the thoughts and entries I have written to and organize them for eventually use in a formal book of philosophy. I’ll also finish up the paperwork for immigration and adoption. I am going to submit another STA21 package, and also submit one for Dive school. One way or another, I have to go somewhere where I am not squelched by others’ commitment to proving human existence to be a depraved one, or at least not have to work for those who have that commitment—or those who have no commitment to the exaltation and improvement of humanity, beginning (and perhaps even ending) with the self. If someone does not have that as a foundation, I don’t want to deal with them.

I have also been reading and thinking about philosophy lately, and even writing a bit about it. I selected that as a minor for my degree, but it will be something in which I am deeply involved and active. I think it is important for everyone, and those who neglect it, neglect the fundamentals of their character and their deeply personal development of it. They leave that undefined, only to be defined by whomever, or to whomever or whatever they’ll define it in response. But, if it is not defined by the determination of one’s own mind, their character is more superficial, less profound, and less personal. There has never been a self-made person who did not have a deliberate, personally developed philosophy. In other words, there has never been a self-made person who did not make their self, quite literally and deliberately.

Tomorrow, I start riding my bike to work again, and working out full-steam. I think that will have a great positive effect on my motivation, confidence, and productivity.

20100101

Friday, January 01, 2010

2010 is the year it all turns around. The past two years were a rumination process, really. I went through some difficult trials but it all radically altered my perspective. I’ve been doing some reflection on it all lately. Before, despite my success, I was sympathetic to an egomaniacal, individualistic outlook. I was vying for a right-wing libertarian lifestyle, out-of-hand rejecting any collectivist notions that I suspected of harboring or defending a lifestyle of dependency. Much of my life relates directly to my relationship with Liz. My humanity took her, and while, at the time, I believed that my example of independent strength and will, along with my financial support, was more than enough to enable her to be independent and strong as well. But, I overlooked or underestimated the psychological underpinnings of her tendency towards dependency. And, I can compare this on a global scale, to my attitudes, and popular attitudes about the lower classes, the homeless, the mentally ill, the disabled, many of the elderly, or the socially and economically disadvantaged in general. And, my change of heart was much to the benefit of personal relationships.

Although, during this period I did turn-off my self-confidence and turn-down my spirited mission for personal progress and to make a contribution to social progress, but this was, however subconsciously, induced because my overconfidence and self-importance was not in agreement with the character of my self-proclaimed purpose: Kaizen, betterment of self, inspiration of others, influencing social improvement. The ripples can make waves, and I have long known that my influence does fashion the course of history, and influence the whole of it—potentially influencing great shifts in direction. However, as I looked to this idea as a source of inspiration, I resorted to a form of solipsism, exalting myself above the majority of humanity and becoming unsympathetic to their barriers to self-actualization. When I was studying Buddhism, I read that when the bodhisattvas reach Nirvana, they then return to the suffering world to enlighten others, bringing them to Nirvana, with a goal of bringing all beings to this state. During the time of my life when I was coming into my own independence and exercising my abilities to the fullest, I felt like a Bodhisattva who had reached Nirvana, gotten a taste of the power of full self-expression, but while reveling in the power it afforded me, I had forgotten about everyone else. Well, that’s not enlightenment. It makes sense that the bodhisattvas have to come back, because leaving the world behind, or dominating it, isn’t enlightenment—it isn’t productive or positively powerful. It’s much easier to get one’s self to the point where they are fully self-expressed and engaged in self-actualization, than it is to get someone else there. And that is, in my case, as I suspect is similar to all humans, because of my tendency to overlook or be unsympathetic to any foreign psychological condition, obstructing any possibility for relation. And, relationship is integral to mutual inquiry, connection, and experience.

So, the last couple paragraphs, on this page, literally, and in my life, metaphorically, have been a development of how independence and personal power, when worshipped as the highest of all virtues, are not conducive to social excellence. This might seem straightforward and easy to understand for a child: Selfishness simply favors the self over all else, including family members, future generations, and humanity itself. It’s short sighted, because the current span of a human life is little more than a century, at best.

There is something to be said about the positive ideas I retained from that time period, which was from about 2005 to 2008. I learned how to be myself, to trust myself, and to know that I was capable of accomplishing much more than I ever seriously imagined myself to be able to do. Sure, I had heard it from my parents and teachers and people who loved me, but this was the time period where I really tested it out, and found that it was certainly true: I was powerful. And, I doubt if anything worthwhile—as far as goal-reaching and self-actualization goes—could be accomplished without an embrace of self-confidence a healthy development of one’s ego (“one’s ego” is redundant), because, without being aware of my own ability, it would surely be difficult for me to use it. So, contrary to Zen, total annihilation of the ego is not conducive to social progress, at least at this point in our technological development. I use “ego” in the sense of self-opinion or consciousness of one’s own personality, rather than the pejorative meaning—selfishness. To be self-expressed and self-actualized, a person needs to be aware of their self. But, the lesson I have learned here is this: I live for others just as much as I live for myself. If I become unbalanced or out of agreement with my core in my conscious approach to goal-fulfillment or goal-selection, I will return to balance, perhaps against the will of my ego.

Perhaps the ego is more a tool of the base of self, which is not fully expressed in conscious thought, than I previously considered it to be. Maybe the subconscious mind is not a tool to be used by the conscious, but the consciousness wielded by direction of a deeper, fuller, more stable, and interconnected purpose lying in the subconscious.

I have some more thoughts on how religion ties into all of this as well, and some plans I have for the future, concerning religion, writing, personal relationships, and business. But, I will write more about these later.

20081227

Saturday, December 27, 2008

2008 was a stressful year for me. Something in me died this year. It is, ultimately, my fault. I sought to push myself to my breaking point, or nearly to it, and demand as much of myself as possible. Eventually I became overstressed. Dealing with the natural stresses of deployment and the gross inadequacies of leadership on my ship is what pushed me past the point where I lost my motivation and my zeal for doing and being as excellent as possible. I rallied a little later in the year for INSURV, and contributed a great deal to the success of my division and subsequently to the success of the ship, but received little gratitude, and none from most people. It’s only to be expected from these people. But, I don’t agree with their morality. They don’t love or respect great men, or good deeds. People who are authors of their own purpose, who strive for excellence, and who are strong and capable, and courageous enough to be that in the face of the poor, suffering scoffers who would call themselves equals by right, are forgotten, somehow rationalized as normal, and hated for being better, truer men. The only people who respect this higher quality of person this are ones who are the same, the minority—the extraordinary. These are the people that bear, contribute, accomplish, and consequently suffer the most—and suffer the most unjustly, by the prejudice of the weak.

But, despite my disapproval of most people and their lack of personal integrity (and my own breaches of it), I can’t help myself but the say that here is an opportunity to restart now with fervor, unabashed and—not unaware, but indifferent to the indifference or the hate that others may have for my endeavors. But, one thing I won’t expect, or even desire, is support. To desire the support of another is a sign of weakness and delusion, it’s a sick fantasy entertained by those who desire pity, and necessarily then, wish to sustain or perhaps even to uplift that which should, and would—were it not for the pity and action or support of others—naturally, fall. Now, I have done some preparation to pursue the important endeavors in my life, the things I value, which are: quality relationships with family and friends, sports medicine and the improvement of physical and mental human capacity and ability, writing and philosophy—especially to dispel religion and promote true virtue (Homeric virtue), and music production. This year, in each of these areas, I will make significant progress and achievement—significant in the sense of contribution to the end, or benefit for myself and those who associate themselves with me, (though not parasitically). My career in The Navy is not a priority, as it was in the two previous years. While I have done extremely well, and succeeded so far as I was able in such a short period of time—and I believe I will continue to succeed—but, I feel like my efforts and work are being spoiled in that they have been doing more benefit to others than have to me, and that if I focused some of that time and creative and intellectual energy in other areas, it would do me more benefit, rather than having those undeserving and unappreciative few suck the life-blood from me any further.

I’ve already completed a couple classes toward my sports medicine degree, I recently downloaded some music production software; I started a blog, and here I am writing a journal again after a six month hiatus. I’ve never been into the New Year’s resolution gig, but this year, I am making an exception. This year, I’ll accomplish as much or more as last year, which is considerable, but better prioritize and focus that accomplishment to benefit more from it, rather than spin my wheels, and have the sense of expending far too much energy for far too little result.

20080504

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It all made sense to me, but I lost it somewhere.

I don’t remember when… in the memories

Too many details, smeared.

Then, I was headed in the right direction; I knew what I was fighting for.

Now, I don’t remember.

I lost myself.

The world is so confusing sometimes. I figured the whole thing out several times, but it’s slippery, you know? The meaning of life… It’s so sensitive, like being in the zone. Once you have it, the smallest thing can knock it away, and you don’t know how to get back. You get lost in the spider webs. Now I’m out here in the middle of the ocean, not knowing where the hell I am going and feeling like no one can or even wants to help. I’m feeling alone. I am letting myself beat my ideals. And I don’t know why. It’s not the stress. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what to do about anything. So I am doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting myself. And I feel like anything that I do to try to progress here is amounting to nothing. I have dreams and ideas that I want to fulfill. But I feel like I am spinning my tires in the mud here. The harder I try, the more I waste myself.

I don’t know why I am so sad lately. This experience is difficult. I miss everyone back home, and I feel like I am removed from any stable foundation where I can perform at a fully functional level. I have lost my motivation, and while all I want is to regain it, I fail to find the source. I know what I have always told myself: my family, my wife, kids, other people, making the world a better place. I have ideals, like most people. The stress and tribulation of what happens in life can really take a shit on ideals, but when things were difficult for me and I felt like I had to carry the weight of the world, I performed at a very efficient level. I don’t know if it is just that I am not being challenged enough. It can’t be. I can challenge myself more than most people have ever been able to. I could challenge myself, and that isn’t what’s at the source of motivation. Maybe it’s necessity. Right now, all I can think about needing is to get back to my family. The people around here are constantly pissing me off. I am annoyed with their lack of ability or desire to improve anything, or get work done. I just feel like the mindset I set out with has degraded to the point of apathy. I see my inability to influence them in a positive way as a failure in myself. And I’ve been giving up on them, and myself. And that is everything that I am against. I feel like I am becoming one of those poor suffering souls, feeling sorry for themselves. So right now, I am against myself. And it feels like a downward spiral.

I’m battling for my soul… again.

I can’t be sorry for myself. I can’t wait around for that. I need to rekindle that sense of urgency and need. I recognize that the world needs people to do more than they believe that they can do, and do it to improve the world. Otherwise, it will only get worse. I could just let myself go on, waiting until I feel fit enough to give it another try. But that’s just a plan to fail. There’s no trying for me. I have to be clear, sharp, quick, sure and solid. I have to strike to the heart of the matter. I just have to do it, and it has to be perfect. Failure, for me, is to die without breaking through to the next level, or at least generating a spark for the ignition.

I’m not afraid to be who I am, or express myself to the fullest. I am not afraid to admit what I stand for. I just need to stand for it without fail. I have done it many times, but it has been highly circumstantial. Forget the convenience. I need to stand for what I stand for more powerfully, without regard for convenience or undesirable circumstance, and do it without wavering in the least.

I have been through more trying matters than this, and though my vision has become clouded, I know that if I press on, it will all become clear again. Nothing can stop me from doing what I came to do, and being who I came to be in the world. I can’t speak this and falter. I speak truth into the future. And it is. I refuse to fail. I refuse for what I say to be false.

I will transcend my weaknesses, and humanity will do the same. But for now, we’re both struggling.

20080430

Never stop pushing for progress.

Humanity in this world, as advanced as it may seem, has quite some way to go in its development.

There are those who are not consciously aware that their actions are detrimental to humanity. It is our responsibility, those of us who are enlightened enough to recognize this, to educate and inspire these people to contribute beyond themselves.

There is suffering, and it is our duty to alleviate it, if we are able. There is starvation, and it is our duty to provide food, if we are able. There is malevolence, and it is our duty to counteract it, if we are able. There is ignorance, and it is our duty to teach, if we are able. There is disease, and it is our duty to cure it, if we are able.

We will find a way, if we press on.

But to sit idly by and contribute nothing, to refuse to strive, is to be no better than the malevolent, the torturous, and the disruptors of our harmony. There are those who, anonymously, in darkness, endeavor to see humanity die. And even more numerous are those who harm humanity and hinder our progress through their selfish and foolish actions. And if we do nothing, these forces will overcome. Everyone is guilty of the contribution they didn’t make. Everyone is at fault for the time and opportunities they had to contribute to the world which they wasted. Everyone is guilty of the good they didn’t do.

Life is best spent in contribution to others. Without that connection, one is consumed by their self-serving nature, like a dark star, stealing the light of others, and stealing the light of the world.

Go beyond the lonely planet of the self, venture out, and light up the worlds of others.

There is darkness. And it is our duty to dispel it, if we are able.

20080328

3/28/2008

We just left Cagayan De Oro, RP. I believe that the USS Vandegrift is the first navy ship to visit CDO since World War II. Apparently there were a few people who protested our presence there, however, everyone I met there seemed very friendly and cordial for the most part. I was also able to get online for once and download some updates for my laptop. I bought a few souvenirs and things for my kids, as well as some shoes nice Speedo’s and a book about human intuition.

I read the first few pages of the book and it got me wondering about coincidental occurrences, intuition, and the possibility that there is an underlying connection between all things, to which the human mind is somehow subconsciously in tune. But those are thoughts for another time.

There were some areas with some extremely bad living conditions in Cagayan De Oro, and seeing the state of some of the people there was a very humbling experience. I have thought about how difficult life is for other people in poverty, especially in extreme poverty like I witnessed here. But to experience it firsthand is a wholly distinct experience from imagining it, and I believe that any morally decent person’s heart would go out to these people upon such an experience. These people were living in little forts made of plywood and leaves. Some of the luckier ones had roofs made of sheet metal. These “houses” had no electricity or running water, and the toilet consisted of a hole in the floor. Some of them were built over the water, and some weren’t. Most of the kids appeared to be very undernourished; to give them a coin worth, literally, $0.025 (40 of these would make 1 dollar) excited them more than my kids were excited over their Christmas presents. Seeing all this inspired me to undertake an idea for a non-profit company that would encourage and sponsor not only children and families in need of support, but the people who desire to help them through volunteering their efforts.

So now it’s back to nutrition, STA21, preservation, the daily bullshit, and planning for the future.

20080325

3/25/2008

Which type of human is the best human?

When contemplating this question I began to think about some previous aspirations of mine. I always strived to be the best at something, although I never knew quite what it should be. At one point I had settled on becoming the best fighter through practicing mixed martial arts, which has become a style in itself, as well practicing many other styles and educating myself on their history and principles. This undertaking was short lived after I dislocated my right elbow. I believe this choice was inspired by Bruce Lee, as well as the many successful martial art enthusiasts I became familiar with after I discovered him.

Anyways, it seems to me that modern mixed martial artists in competition are set up to be similar to gladiators, though to a lesser degree of severity in violence. This level of excellence in martial arts takes dedication so extreme that little, if anything, can be a part of one’s life.

I always rejected such specialization, personally. My inspirations and aspirations reach far into many areas of thinking and possibility. To dedicate my life to only one of these would be a waste. If there is a specialty in achieving many things at once that contribute to improving the quality of living, health and wellness, and to the progress of humanity, then this would be mine.

Now we are in Cagayan De Oro, here to strengthen our relations with the Philippines. It’s been a long day already with more work to come, after which we’ll hopefully get a chance to relax and maybe pick up a few things in town. Liberty is restricted due to the high possibility of terrorist attack.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I have been pretty lazy today. I slept in until 11am, woke up and ate, and made some CDs to send home for Liz. I have been doing a lot lately though. I feel good. I am getting back into the swing of making things happen. And I am assuring myself once again that, despite circumstance and despite others, I will succeed in my endeavors. I think maybe now I am just a little more considerate of the opinions and effective actions of others, and a little more careful with my influence over that.

I need to get my STA21 package updated and completed. I haven’t seen it for a while. I was sure that I had turned it in. I have all the originals, but the copies, including my application cover letter, are nowhere to be found. I need to find that stuff today and submit another copy of the package tomorrow. I am fearful that those who are being entrusted with organizing the rest of this process are not doing what is necessary to ensure that the package is completed on time. I’ll continue to pressure them to ensure that this happens, but I have already resolved that if, for whatever reason, I am not accepted this cycle, I will continue to submit packages for the following cycles, as well as to pursue the degree on my own. I believe that I will reenlist for shore duty, but I don’t think I would be willing to extend on board this ship. This ship, despite my efforts to improve it, seems to extremely ill equipped, unfriendly and unaccommodating of the crew, and overall of low morale. I will continue to do what I am capable of doing to positively affect this ship until I leave, however, at this time, I would go somewhere else if possible. Another factor that would absolutely affect my decision for reenlistment would be whether or not I would go on another deployment. I believe this ship is scheduled to deploy again in July of 2009, and I would not like to be a part of that, especially if conditions are as unsatisfactory as they are currently. I have talked to Liz about it briefly; however, we will have to find a solution in the near future. I really love being able to communicate with her so well now, and having her involved in my life more, especially in projects decision making processes. I would like to see it acted on even more so, but I am sure that we will grow into it even more in the future. It’s not that I am impatient (even though Liz says that I am); it’s just that I see great potentials and possibilities, and I seek to expedite their progress. Well, I guess that is impatience; I do get annoyed or frustrated when things don’t happen as quickly as I would like. But I can control that as exemplified above. I realize that some evolutions require careful steps, time for development, and/or some amount of patience. But I fully believe that we all could improve and accelerate our progress by removing unnecessary pieces or and contributing necessary pieces. I also recognize that trying to contribute or push more than necessary can have a negative impact, and have been considering that perhaps I should strive to find that balance, rather than over-push for expediency.

Anyhow, I am more than happy to see Liz doing so well, being so responsible, and taking care of herself and the children. I don’t think many people in the world could handle so much so well, and it makes me proud to be her counterpart. I used to view her as somewhat like an adolescent, much like I do with many of the seamen here at work. It’s not that I believe they need direction, instruction, mentoring, or discipline (self imposed or otherwise), but I do believe that they could benefit from each. However many people are not open to such methods, especially when viewed as a fix, or imposed as a method to correct a deficiency. It is difficult operating at, and holding myself to such a high level of discipline, organization, and ambition, while letting others slip by without accountability for their actions or way of being. I believe it was even harder on Liz, having to deal with that from me on a regular basis, however, I filly believe as well that she has developed a great amount of personal integrity, and is a much stronger and more efficient person out of it, with no end in sight. I only hope that she does not resent me for it, and knows that I have abandoned my resentments about her. I love her totally and completely, and, for me, that love is more that a simple caring or affectionate feeling. For me that love is an absolute dedication to fully nurturing, supporting, and encouraging her health, growth, self-actualization, self-expression, and the complete fulfillment of all her aspirations. It took me some time to get here and, shamefully for me, I feel that there are not many, if any, others about which I will feel the same. The only others that come close are my children, and to a lesser extent, the other members of my family. I have pondered many times before whether or not it is possible to have that same level of commitment to everyone in the world. I can see where, in many cases, this would present a conflict of interests. But aside from that, I believe it is possible once a one’s hierarchy of needs is fulfilled. Nevertheless, I am happy with where Liz and I are at now, and I believe she feels the same way. It seems to me that she has been somewhat aloof or reserved about communicating with me about it, but from what she has expressed she is better about or relationship than ever before. I do wish she would open up to me more about it, but I refuse to complain about it. I see that she is doing so more now than ever, and I appreciate that. All I can do is give her what she needs and continue to encourage her to share with and contribute to me with no reservations about fully expressing herself. That is my true goal for our relationship.

20080220

Things have been going pretty quickly around here lately, and I haven’t had much time to write, think, or reflect on the situation too much. I don’t enjoy that. I am all for getting things done, and I do not have issues with things happening they way they are planned or ought to happen around the ship and in the Navy, but the little things have been piling up, and I do have my own agenda to which to attend. That, I believe, is equally important to the Navy, and even more so, the world, and it goes without saying that it is important to me as well. For the first time since I went to RTC, I feel like I am loosing speed. And it is not a comforting feeling. The JSOY incident really shot my spirit down and I did everything I could to bounce back as well as I could. These 28 days at sea have been a bitch. I really want to have some communication with my family. Liz is the only one who write me back regularly and even she hasn’t been doing that as much lately. I know she has a lot going on there. I have been asking her for pictures for a while now and haven’t seen them yet. Maybe I am just being pitiful. Maybe being at sea so long does that to people. I refuse to place blame anywhere. I just want to overcome this glumness. Things around here definitely don’t contribute to achieving that…

Today, the three toilets in our head backed up and flooded out at least 100 gallons of pure fecal water. People kept using the urinals in there and tracked feces water all over our living area and the surrounding areas. When the hull techs came and fixed the toilets, they removed to pipes from the backs of the toilets that connect them to the main drainage pipe. Then they put duct tape up across the fronts of the stalls in the shape of an “X” to signify, “do not use.” Well, apparently someone thought they were special, and that the “X” wasn’t going to stop them from taking a shit in one of the OOC toilets. So they proceeded to drop some shit bombs and then flush the toilet, which gets its flushing water from the 125psi fire-main, thus creating a sea-water propelled shit rocket which exploded all over the wall and the deck. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they left it there like that for someone else to clean up. I am surround by idiot FUCKS and people who don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Tomorrow we pull in to port, and I wanted to get a hotel with Gill and Galvan. I was excited about it because it had free internet with the room and I could get a chance to talk to Liz on the webcam. I told her about it and she flipped out. It was a totally unexpected reaction. I thought she would be excited to be on the webcam with me. Instead she pretty much reprimanded me for thinking about getting a hotel, and pretty well expressed her lack of faith and trust in me. I feel even less motivated now. Sometimes it seems no matter what I do, there are people not appreciating, not understanding, not caring, not noticing, disapproving, criticizing, giving me a hard time about, or blowing off what I am doing, who I am being, and what I am up to, even my own wife. I guess I considered that a long time ago. It’s just disheartening to see positive energy be consumed so often by the negative. So here I am, negative for now, and just in time to pull in to port. The natural response would be to go drink and wallow in it, but instead, I have made the choice not to do that, and instead go play soccer against, and get my ass kicked by the Malaysians, then go sightseeing, followed by a day of snorkeling and the a charity event where I get to go help clean up a local town that was partially destroyed. I don’t know if I will get the hotel, as much as I would like to see Liz on webcam, but I’ll still be open to it if she wants to do it. I am not going to do it without knowing that that is what she wants though. And whatever… after this port, it’s STA21 time…. I’ll lay off the e-mail and asking for pictures and everything, do the minimum work for my division, and concentrate on my own agenda. Fuck the naysayers. And I am not going to let the actions (or inactions) of other people get me down, even if they are people close to me.