20081227

Saturday, December 27, 2008

2008 was a stressful year for me. Something in me died this year. It is, ultimately, my fault. I sought to push myself to my breaking point, or nearly to it, and demand as much of myself as possible. Eventually I became overstressed. Dealing with the natural stresses of deployment and the gross inadequacies of leadership on my ship is what pushed me past the point where I lost my motivation and my zeal for doing and being as excellent as possible. I rallied a little later in the year for INSURV, and contributed a great deal to the success of my division and subsequently to the success of the ship, but received little gratitude, and none from most people. It’s only to be expected from these people. But, I don’t agree with their morality. They don’t love or respect great men, or good deeds. People who are authors of their own purpose, who strive for excellence, and who are strong and capable, and courageous enough to be that in the face of the poor, suffering scoffers who would call themselves equals by right, are forgotten, somehow rationalized as normal, and hated for being better, truer men. The only people who respect this higher quality of person this are ones who are the same, the minority—the extraordinary. These are the people that bear, contribute, accomplish, and consequently suffer the most—and suffer the most unjustly, by the prejudice of the weak.

But, despite my disapproval of most people and their lack of personal integrity (and my own breaches of it), I can’t help myself but the say that here is an opportunity to restart now with fervor, unabashed and—not unaware, but indifferent to the indifference or the hate that others may have for my endeavors. But, one thing I won’t expect, or even desire, is support. To desire the support of another is a sign of weakness and delusion, it’s a sick fantasy entertained by those who desire pity, and necessarily then, wish to sustain or perhaps even to uplift that which should, and would—were it not for the pity and action or support of others—naturally, fall. Now, I have done some preparation to pursue the important endeavors in my life, the things I value, which are: quality relationships with family and friends, sports medicine and the improvement of physical and mental human capacity and ability, writing and philosophy—especially to dispel religion and promote true virtue (Homeric virtue), and music production. This year, in each of these areas, I will make significant progress and achievement—significant in the sense of contribution to the end, or benefit for myself and those who associate themselves with me, (though not parasitically). My career in The Navy is not a priority, as it was in the two previous years. While I have done extremely well, and succeeded so far as I was able in such a short period of time—and I believe I will continue to succeed—but, I feel like my efforts and work are being spoiled in that they have been doing more benefit to others than have to me, and that if I focused some of that time and creative and intellectual energy in other areas, it would do me more benefit, rather than having those undeserving and unappreciative few suck the life-blood from me any further.

I’ve already completed a couple classes toward my sports medicine degree, I recently downloaded some music production software; I started a blog, and here I am writing a journal again after a six month hiatus. I’ve never been into the New Year’s resolution gig, but this year, I am making an exception. This year, I’ll accomplish as much or more as last year, which is considerable, but better prioritize and focus that accomplishment to benefit more from it, rather than spin my wheels, and have the sense of expending far too much energy for far too little result.