20080504

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It all made sense to me, but I lost it somewhere.

I don’t remember when… in the memories

Too many details, smeared.

Then, I was headed in the right direction; I knew what I was fighting for.

Now, I don’t remember.

I lost myself.

The world is so confusing sometimes. I figured the whole thing out several times, but it’s slippery, you know? The meaning of life… It’s so sensitive, like being in the zone. Once you have it, the smallest thing can knock it away, and you don’t know how to get back. You get lost in the spider webs. Now I’m out here in the middle of the ocean, not knowing where the hell I am going and feeling like no one can or even wants to help. I’m feeling alone. I am letting myself beat my ideals. And I don’t know why. It’s not the stress. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what to do about anything. So I am doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting myself. And I feel like anything that I do to try to progress here is amounting to nothing. I have dreams and ideas that I want to fulfill. But I feel like I am spinning my tires in the mud here. The harder I try, the more I waste myself.

I don’t know why I am so sad lately. This experience is difficult. I miss everyone back home, and I feel like I am removed from any stable foundation where I can perform at a fully functional level. I have lost my motivation, and while all I want is to regain it, I fail to find the source. I know what I have always told myself: my family, my wife, kids, other people, making the world a better place. I have ideals, like most people. The stress and tribulation of what happens in life can really take a shit on ideals, but when things were difficult for me and I felt like I had to carry the weight of the world, I performed at a very efficient level. I don’t know if it is just that I am not being challenged enough. It can’t be. I can challenge myself more than most people have ever been able to. I could challenge myself, and that isn’t what’s at the source of motivation. Maybe it’s necessity. Right now, all I can think about needing is to get back to my family. The people around here are constantly pissing me off. I am annoyed with their lack of ability or desire to improve anything, or get work done. I just feel like the mindset I set out with has degraded to the point of apathy. I see my inability to influence them in a positive way as a failure in myself. And I’ve been giving up on them, and myself. And that is everything that I am against. I feel like I am becoming one of those poor suffering souls, feeling sorry for themselves. So right now, I am against myself. And it feels like a downward spiral.

I’m battling for my soul… again.

I can’t be sorry for myself. I can’t wait around for that. I need to rekindle that sense of urgency and need. I recognize that the world needs people to do more than they believe that they can do, and do it to improve the world. Otherwise, it will only get worse. I could just let myself go on, waiting until I feel fit enough to give it another try. But that’s just a plan to fail. There’s no trying for me. I have to be clear, sharp, quick, sure and solid. I have to strike to the heart of the matter. I just have to do it, and it has to be perfect. Failure, for me, is to die without breaking through to the next level, or at least generating a spark for the ignition.

I’m not afraid to be who I am, or express myself to the fullest. I am not afraid to admit what I stand for. I just need to stand for it without fail. I have done it many times, but it has been highly circumstantial. Forget the convenience. I need to stand for what I stand for more powerfully, without regard for convenience or undesirable circumstance, and do it without wavering in the least.

I have been through more trying matters than this, and though my vision has become clouded, I know that if I press on, it will all become clear again. Nothing can stop me from doing what I came to do, and being who I came to be in the world. I can’t speak this and falter. I speak truth into the future. And it is. I refuse to fail. I refuse for what I say to be false.

I will transcend my weaknesses, and humanity will do the same. But for now, we’re both struggling.