Sunday, March 16, 2008

I have been pretty lazy today. I slept in until 11am, woke up and ate, and made some CDs to send home for Liz. I have been doing a lot lately though. I feel good. I am getting back into the swing of making things happen. And I am assuring myself once again that, despite circumstance and despite others, I will succeed in my endeavors. I think maybe now I am just a little more considerate of the opinions and effective actions of others, and a little more careful with my influence over that.

I need to get my STA21 package updated and completed. I haven’t seen it for a while. I was sure that I had turned it in. I have all the originals, but the copies, including my application cover letter, are nowhere to be found. I need to find that stuff today and submit another copy of the package tomorrow. I am fearful that those who are being entrusted with organizing the rest of this process are not doing what is necessary to ensure that the package is completed on time. I’ll continue to pressure them to ensure that this happens, but I have already resolved that if, for whatever reason, I am not accepted this cycle, I will continue to submit packages for the following cycles, as well as to pursue the degree on my own. I believe that I will reenlist for shore duty, but I don’t think I would be willing to extend on board this ship. This ship, despite my efforts to improve it, seems to extremely ill equipped, unfriendly and unaccommodating of the crew, and overall of low morale. I will continue to do what I am capable of doing to positively affect this ship until I leave, however, at this time, I would go somewhere else if possible. Another factor that would absolutely affect my decision for reenlistment would be whether or not I would go on another deployment. I believe this ship is scheduled to deploy again in July of 2009, and I would not like to be a part of that, especially if conditions are as unsatisfactory as they are currently. I have talked to Liz about it briefly; however, we will have to find a solution in the near future. I really love being able to communicate with her so well now, and having her involved in my life more, especially in projects decision making processes. I would like to see it acted on even more so, but I am sure that we will grow into it even more in the future. It’s not that I am impatient (even though Liz says that I am); it’s just that I see great potentials and possibilities, and I seek to expedite their progress. Well, I guess that is impatience; I do get annoyed or frustrated when things don’t happen as quickly as I would like. But I can control that as exemplified above. I realize that some evolutions require careful steps, time for development, and/or some amount of patience. But I fully believe that we all could improve and accelerate our progress by removing unnecessary pieces or and contributing necessary pieces. I also recognize that trying to contribute or push more than necessary can have a negative impact, and have been considering that perhaps I should strive to find that balance, rather than over-push for expediency.

Anyhow, I am more than happy to see Liz doing so well, being so responsible, and taking care of herself and the children. I don’t think many people in the world could handle so much so well, and it makes me proud to be her counterpart. I used to view her as somewhat like an adolescent, much like I do with many of the seamen here at work. It’s not that I believe they need direction, instruction, mentoring, or discipline (self imposed or otherwise), but I do believe that they could benefit from each. However many people are not open to such methods, especially when viewed as a fix, or imposed as a method to correct a deficiency. It is difficult operating at, and holding myself to such a high level of discipline, organization, and ambition, while letting others slip by without accountability for their actions or way of being. I believe it was even harder on Liz, having to deal with that from me on a regular basis, however, I filly believe as well that she has developed a great amount of personal integrity, and is a much stronger and more efficient person out of it, with no end in sight. I only hope that she does not resent me for it, and knows that I have abandoned my resentments about her. I love her totally and completely, and, for me, that love is more that a simple caring or affectionate feeling. For me that love is an absolute dedication to fully nurturing, supporting, and encouraging her health, growth, self-actualization, self-expression, and the complete fulfillment of all her aspirations. It took me some time to get here and, shamefully for me, I feel that there are not many, if any, others about which I will feel the same. The only others that come close are my children, and to a lesser extent, the other members of my family. I have pondered many times before whether or not it is possible to have that same level of commitment to everyone in the world. I can see where, in many cases, this would present a conflict of interests. But aside from that, I believe it is possible once a one’s hierarchy of needs is fulfilled. Nevertheless, I am happy with where Liz and I are at now, and I believe she feels the same way. It seems to me that she has been somewhat aloof or reserved about communicating with me about it, but from what she has expressed she is better about or relationship than ever before. I do wish she would open up to me more about it, but I refuse to complain about it. I see that she is doing so more now than ever, and I appreciate that. All I can do is give her what she needs and continue to encourage her to share with and contribute to me with no reservations about fully expressing herself. That is my true goal for our relationship.