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Last year I made a concerted effort to demonstrate my aptitude through numerous contributions and accomplishments. I jumped on responsibilities and jobs where others shied away. I took on POIC for every deck evolution on board, took on the job of RPPO and designed a system that saved 100s of man-hours, took charge of the CFL program and personally designed the command fitness training regimen, qualified up to locker leader in DC, qualified officer of the deck (in port) as well as duty gunner’s mate, became a member of the FPTT, passed SAR school and trained two additional SAR swimmers, joined the VBSS training team and took on the responsibility of POIC of training for the VBSS teams, qualified as enlisted surface warfare specialist, as well as stepped up to be the flight deck phone talker which was requested by the CDR Rinko. I felt that, through my efforts, not only deck division, but the entire command had greatly benefited.

However idealistic it may sound, my enthusiasm stems from a self-chosen, profound commitment to improvement for humankind. One avenue through which I intend to carry this out is through medicine. I’ve laid out some loose plans to achieve the necessary education and requirements to provide this kind of contribution, with some specific measurable results. One of those results was the award for junior sailor of the year, 2007. I felt that this award would significantly improve my chances of acceptance into the STA21 program, which would greatly accelerate my ability to practice and research medicine. I do want it to be clear that, while I was aiming for the award, it was not my prime goal. I did, however, have it listed as a goal of mine, and I did make my best attempt to achieve it. I thought that through my many accomplishments as far as qualifications, collateral duties, and most importantly, my contributions to individuals on a personal level, were far more than enough to clarify to every single person who was present on board Vandegrift in 2007, that there was no better candidate for the award. In fact, when I was selected as junior sailor of the quarter, second quarter of 2007, Senior Chief Jeff Baldie spoke to me at the awards ceremony and said, “You had several other candidates up against you, but you just blew them all out of the water.” I said thank you, and told him that I intended on keeping it up and going all the way to JSOY. Then he told me, “You know what you’ll have to do…” and ran his finger above the U.S. NAVY on my uniform. Even though I had considered waiting until deployment to allow time for more CLEP exams and college courses, I made an especially dedicated effort to qualify as an ESWS before the end of the year, specifically to put me over the top as a shoe in for the award.

When I heard the news that I was not selected, I was confused and upset. I felt that I had wasted the time and effort that I had put in specifically for that reason. To this day I don’t understand how anyone in the command could have stood out before me as a candidate, or even compared to my seemingly ridiculous level of performance. I may just have a skewed idea of my accomplishments, and am being arrogant. But I truly believe that if the accomplishments of all had been weighed, mine would have ultimately outweighed the others. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I worked harder, longer, smarter, and more constructively than I ever have in my life, and more than I believe most people ever will. It is not that I resent anyone in particular, but, in my ignorance of the process, I have searching for possible explanations. I felt that I was wronged by the command itself. I felt betrayed and unappreciated. I wanted closure, but wasn’t sure how to approach that appropriately.

I considered a range of possible “solutions”, including total abandonment, cross-rating, e-mailing the captain requesting an explanation, becoming withdrawn and inactive, etc. Ultimately, experiencing the respect that the seamen have for me, and seeing the source of inspiration I had provided for some of them had me reconsider those options and realize where my motivations truly lied. I came to the conclusion that personal contributions and the respect of others is a far greater honor than any award can express, and that awards and recognition are not something for which to work or by which to be motivated. Awards are insignificant in comparison to the scale of my ambitions. And fortunately, other than a night of drinking, I didn’t act on any self-destructive ideas. After some long deliberation, I came up with the attached document.

I want nothing more than to continue on with the same level of productivity and contribution that I had last year. However I desire to be a contribution, I have some inhibitions about putting myself on the line where I may not be appreciated or even acknowledged for that. But perhaps it’s just a life lesson to be learned. I can understand that some people will be unappreciative, resentful, or apathetic about what I do, and simply stay focused on my definitive goals, without being indignant with those people. After all, those are the very people to whom I seek to contribute and to inspire.