20080117

So I didn’t get the sailor of the year award. And I should have… It was obvious. I don’t know if it could have been any more blatantly apparent. I know wholeheartedly that I deserved it. And it’s just fucked up. It’s wrong. It killed me to witness that kind of unashamed disregard for a person and their easily recognizable efforts. It was ridiculous, the extent to which I blew everyone else out of the water. I built up an impressive list of accomplishments throughout the year purposefully; more so than I believe is done by most people in even 10 years. And people just act like it was no big deal. I was distressed in knowing that the majority of these people just don’t care. And what saddened me even more so is the fact that, now, I care a less than I did before about some of these people. It was a crushing blow to my spirit, from which I feel that, despite my efforts, I won’t fully recover without resolution. I’ve made my attempts at resolution, and failed. I will undoubtedly continue on in my pursuits. However, I feel that somehow, just as in this instance, ultimately, my pursuits will be overshadowed by the stupidity, carelessness, and credulity of mankind. I hate that thought, and seeing instances that support it. Injustice still prevails, despite my best efforts to banish it from my sphere of influence. This was a transgression against a spirited, ambitious, selfless, and truly caring person. I felt utterly defeated. And I know I shouldn’t have felt that way about some unethical decision made for some reason unknown to me. Or maybe it’s the not knowing that kills me. The fact that it was unethical though, to me, is inarguable. There is no convincing me that I was not above and beyond any other competitor, and anyone looking, without bias, at the evidence would undoubtedly come to the same conclusion. I want to be able to know exactly how and why this happened.

I feel like I have already exhausted everyone I could possible talk to about this, to the point where they are tired of hearing about it. All they can do is offer me their words of consolation. There is no valid explanation, no resolution, and absolutely no correction. I just don’t see how this can be possible. I wouldn’t stand for this if I witnessed it happening to someone else. I just don’t know how to go about correcting it for myself. I need an answer. I need resolution. I need something that will heal this, and I don’t know where that might come from… maybe me.

Maybe I just need to transcend this. Fuck it. I know that I am already above all this bullshit. And that’s what it is, bullshit, however significant it is. I’ve dwelled enough on it, and I just ought to put it behind me and focus again on what is really important. And that’s my family, my people, the people and societies of the world, and ultimately, human kind itself. People being stupid never really bothered my before. I know there are a lot of idiots out there, and if they want to wrong me, refuse to recognize my accomplishments, and refuse to know my greatness, it shouldn’t take away from my strength and motivation. The expectation was the chink in my armor of commitment to accomplishment. And I just need to operate in that commitment without any expectation of recognition or appreciation. I know that I’m a bad motherfucker. Idiots and assholes can’t stop me. I refuse to let this get the best of me any longer. Fuck it. I am back in action with renewed vigor and ferocity. And however stoically I persevere, I refuse to close my heart to these idiots. Because ultimately, they are the ones I am out to help to not be idiots, and to live long, healthy, productive, lives, and be generous in them.